I would like to someday in my goddamn life not to feel like everything is my fault

People who I used to hang out with distancing themselves? Must be my fault, because I'm such an unpleasant person.

Someone talks rudely to me? Must be my fault because I look like too much of a push over. Or, must be my fault because I should have answered them differently.

Someone is less nice to me than usual? Must be my fault because I was somehow weird.

The thing is, I don't believe this logically. I know that logically to some extent it's not true, and if it is, it could be an issue with the other person for reacting so negatively. And if it's still not, it doesn't make me a shit person.

But my feelings, those feeling that come from years of trauma and mistreatment, don't know this. So I'm left with a sense of anxiety until I'm able to do productive emotional work.

Goddamn exhausting. Like being a cripple. In those days I feel just how crippling trauma is even though on the outside I work a full time job and my government doesn't acknowledge me as someone who has special needs.