Patching the holes in my drywall : healing my postpartum rage one step at a time.

I remember being pregnant and being warned over and over about postpartum depression. I learned the warning signs. My husband educated himself. I knew I was at a higher risk having had anxiety in the past and having no village outside my husband (who is great but works very long hours) so I monitored myself. I never really felt sad and I never truly met the criteria for PPD. But I started to have these swells of anger. When baby wouldn’t sleep or when my toddler was struggling - things that should feel “normal” and were to be “expected” suddenly became overwhelming in a moment. First I kicked two holes in the wall. Baby wouldn’t sleep and I felt that frustration building so I laid baby down and removed myself from the situation. I went downstairs and I could hear the screaming still through the floor and I started to kick the wall. I lied to my husband, I told him the toddler and I were wrestling and he fixed it. No questions asked. Next I slammed a glass bottle so hard into my son’s shelf so hard that it left a hole. One day I thew a large wooden toy into the wall. I’ve slammed the door so hard it busted the door frame. It sounds terrible all put together in one place. These things happened so sporadically. It wasn’t a daily thing. It wasn’t even a weekly thing. I never once thought that this could be postpartum rage. I hope maybe someone reading this needs to read this. So I’m sitting here patching the holes I’ve made trying to take a step in a better direction.