Declutter

I'm moving out to a new place. I have to dispose of so much clutter. I've been holding off on letting go of things because throwing away something that was once part of my life feels like tearing off my own skin, stripping away the value of what once was.

Most of my time is spent deciding whether I should throw something away, sell it, or keep it. I realized it's the deciding that's kept me stuck for so long. Ayoko maglinis kasi kailangan kong mag-decide. Ayoko mag-decide kasi kapag nag-decide akong mag-let go, ibig sabihin mawawala na ang isang bagay sa paningin ko. Therefore, makakalimutan ko na. At ayokong makalimot. Ayokong makalimot.

I hate coming across things that spark so many memories. Like this humidifier that I held for a full minute and still couldn't decide what to do with. I never thought a humidifier could make me cry..

Lately, ang dami kong nawawalang gamit. Yung eyeglasses ko of three years. Ginamit ko yun nung student palang ako and during my review. I grew attached to it. Yung pen ko na pinang-signing which was the last act to enter my profession. And today, yung susi ng current apartment unit ko na parang ayaw na rin akong bigyan ng dahilan para mag-stay, just in case magbago pa ang isip ko.

Maybe it was God who wanted to remove those things from my hands. Para makausad na ako. Para masagot na ang prayers ko. Maybe the answers to my prayers aren't with the things, the people, or the environment I have now.

Okay lang naman kung mawawala ang mga bagay na ito. But I have to cry first every single time. Because every goodbye feels like I'm losing a version of myself that existed with it. It never feels like I'm just letting go of a thing. It feels like removing a part of me.