I’m in a weird place with my Eating Disorder/illness and recovery:

I’ve been dealing with Anorexia purging subtype from 2009 to 2019. And restricting from 2020 to 2026, though I’ve been trying to eat more. I’ve just had a lot of stomach issues and other symptoms after eating. Stomach pain, weakness, nausea, and sometimes involuntary vomiting. Been experiencing these symptoms for a while. I went to a gastroenterologist to see if I had issues with my stomach. But everything was fine. No abnormal cells, no obstructions, no stomach ulcers.

And I am in active therapy, working through my Trauma (CSA/incest).

Everything has been really difficult and at times excruciatingly painful, but I have been making some progress.

Had some blood work done this week and got the news that my vitamin D level is significantly lower than normal. I have markers for Hashimoto’s disease, and my kidneys are iffy.

They prescribed me Vitamin D Cholecalciferol 50,000 to take once a week over the span of a few weeks. And then I will have to check my blood panel again to see where to go from there.

Besides dealing with active trauma symptoms; this also makes sense as to why I feel so emotionally and physically sick.

I feel very strange about this because for years I have used my eating disorder to try to cope with my Trauma. But in another way, I was also using it to disappear (die).

A part of me is always feeling a bit suicidal and feels almost fine, if this actually leads to my death.

The part of me that is trying to recover, is a bit freaked out because I don’t know what is really going to happen.
(Will I be able to recover both mind and body? Or am I really too late?)

And if I am too late, then I’m confronted with the fact that: “This was what I had initially wanted.” In order to cope with the Trauma and find away to escape it. “I caused this damage. I chose this entity or coping mechanism. I did this to myself.”

I have so many mixed feelings around this.

And everything feels up in the air.

My dad sexually abusing me, made me hate my body because we are blood related. I was trying to kill off the trauma and the parts of him that are interwoven into my body. Him abusing me, wasn’t my fault.

But……..

I guess I’m taking accountability for the fact that I caused this damage to myself.
This is my fault.

I’m paying for the consequences.