Arms length

When I feel too seen, I run from you. Wishing I could shrink or turn into a bear hibernating in a cave. And it's not your fault. What if I made it all up in my head, anyway? You run from me too, sometimes. I think we're a lot alike. We are in a perpetual loop, the push-pull of doom. I savor the times we happily coast alongside each other. When it's all light and fun, we lean in, but it's like the realization of feelings seeps in and we mutually panic. I see you in my dreams, the in between space where there's no risk of real life or vulnerability. Trauma does this kind of thing to people, I wonder what all you've been through, you already know a good bit of mine. I keep wondering when it'll end, whether one of us will give up control or just give up. I'm going to keep showing up, even from a distance at times. I'd never say these things out loud, I'm cringing just reading this, but the thoughts are there even when I don't accept them. Living my truth is difficult. I hope you know you light up my day. Even if I never want to say it.