Baby Christian seeking advice on honoring neglectful/abusive mother and father…

Long, but necessary read* I’m 26 and was saved 1.5 months ago. I am fully aware I’m a baby Christian, and I have been reading my Bible daily, trying to walk with God the right way and soften my heart. I’ve always been a kind and giving person and truly empathize with humans of all types. As I’m doing more shadow work and really taking a moment to be a bit more selfish so I can prioritize my relationship with God above everything else, I’ve come to finally want to address my parental situation. I’ve prayed on it and really don’t know how to act on it. Now I used to read the Bible when I had trouble sleeping (prior to actually being saved and having a relationship with God) so I’ve read Genesis & Exodus. I know the Ten Commandments. I’m now reading The Gospel first, just finished John and am halfway through Mark. As God has been leading me to address aspects of life that I truly needed guidance with, it now seems it’s time to open the suppressed can of worms with my parents.

My childhood/relationship with my parents is long and complicated, so I’ll try and summarize to the best of my ability. Since age 5, my siblings and I were in and out of foster care. The simplest reason is because my parents chose their addiction over their children. My mom is an alcoholic and dad smokes weed (but to the point where it’s his entire life but I sometimes think it’s more than weed). My dad has also been in and out of jail since I can remember. Neither of them ever had a job (side hustles like cleaning tables at a restaurant for quick cash, etc. but even that was rare). They completely milked and relied on the government with no intentions of trying to work. There are 3 of us, myself, my brother, and my sister (all of us 1 year apart). All I remember as a kid was constantly moving from motels (housing vouchers), shelters, transitional housing (renting a room, all 5 of us in 1 room), etc. most Christmases and birthdays were celebrated with toys from toy drives etc. I’m not knocking parents who use these resources at all, I understand they’re there for those who want to get better and strive for more, but my parents had zero intention of that. My dad would take us panhandling as a day job, he’d basically ask people for money and phrase it for food for us but he’d collect enough money for his weed first, then collect the food money. My siblings and I were happy at least, we were all close in age and would play outside, go to libraries, free public kid events together by ourselves, but I kind of always knew something wasn’t right. We never had a car and always walked or took the bus as a family, often asking for courtesy rides as the norm. My mom was almost always drunk and when she wasn’t, she would sleep all day. I’m not even exaggerating, all I really remember my mom doing was sleeping or being buzzed or being drunk. She was fun buzzed, irritable after her bender, and a violent (5’0 tall so never really scary) drunk. She clearly resented my dad so shed always cause trouble and argue with him, which led to us being kicked out of our housing a lot. And again, we were in and out of foster care. The system always kept my sister and I together, thankfully, but my brother being with us was rare.

Up until I was 12, my uncle (mom’s side) took us in and gave us that stability. All 3 of us got to at least be stable and stay in 1 school. I got to do all 4 years of high school at 1 school, which is a big deal to me since I went to at least 10 different schools in my life prior to that. As we were with my uncle, my dad went to jail then MIA and my mom actually went to rehab and got better. She’d come visit us but my uncle and his wife were NOT good people. They’d deliberately get her drunk and make fun of her, use her as the laughing stock, and kick her out. They also would tell us things like “your parents threw you guys in the trash and we saved you,” and had this weird God/savior complex, bonus points for them on Facebook because we were black.. (we’re mixed lol). They also got money from the state for each of us as legal guardians, yet acted so broke. My uncle worked a great city job and my aunt was a housewife. She’d have my sister and I taking care of their only son, we’d wipe him, feed him, clean the house, etc. she’d just act busy and overwhelmed all the time even though she’d be sitting on her phone and have us cleaning and doing household chores nonstop. She was an emotional bully to say the least. If she was in a bad mood, we all had to be, and she hated my uncle.

Anyway, naturally, I left at 18 and have been on my own since. I now live with my boyfriend of 2 years and his family. My sister (23) is married and had a baby last year. I love my niece dearly and have the best relationship with my siblings. She lives with her husband and in laws. When my niece was born, she basically gave my mom and ultimatum as an effort to grant my niece an opportunity to know her grandmother and said, “what’s it gonna be, your granddaughter or your booze,” and she really chose her booze. My sister and I have always tried to piece together the why of why my mom was the ways she was. We did the whole psychology analysis, digging deeper side of things to understand her upbringing, but it doesn’t excuse the harm she caused us.

My relationship with my mom has been so off and on, she says the nastiest things when she’s mad. She’s the type, if I’m over and talking to my dad (who can at least hold a good conversation), she’ll get jealous, snap at him, and say weird stuff insinuating he’s attracted to me etc. out of pure jealousy that we’re talking. She cannot hold a conversation to save her life, she’s always talking about herself, or talking about the same gossip, or saying things to try and get praise, “I haven’t drank in 3 days yay me,” knowing that’s a lie, or starts talking crap about my dad, which is old drama that she can’t get over. I’m a realist and always told her, if you dislike him so much then break up or stop talking because I don’t want to hear it, and she’d go silent. Or the other thing she’ll do is take credit for all of my accomplishments as if they’re a direct result of her ‘parenting,’ like when I got straight A’s (on my own), she’ll say things like “I raised you so well,” which INFURIATES me. She quite literally only cares about being the center of attention and is a delusional, broken record. When I bring up any real conversation about my true feelings or the reality of my childhood, she says, “my psychiatrist said if you don’t have anything good or nice to bring up, don’t bring it up. I shouldn’t be in negativity.” My dad is also her enabler and will back her up so she doesn’t start a fight with him. She literally sleeps all day or is drinking. My dad also likes to guilt trip and say things like “wow you really didn’t call me on Father’s Day,” or “your mom is upset because you haven’t texted her,” or “don’t ignore me young lady.” I have zero respect for them as parents, and barely do as people. I really don’t understand how they’re still here, health-wise, to be honest. They eat terribly, always on benders and love public assistance. My dad at least has held down a job for the last 3 years but it’s a minimum wage job and they still ask for money because of poor spending habits, when their section 8 rent is near zero.

I finally blocked my mom about 3-4 months ago when I was studying for an exam/doing homework (I’m in college. I’m a nutrition major, so heavy coursework), and she kept blowing up my phone (she always does that or texts me rambling with terrible spelling), but had the nerve to say that I have an evil spirit and that I’m ungrateful because she was calling me to send me money and I didn’t answer right away. I guess they got government back pay of some sort, but she used that as an excuse to blow up my phone, then insulted my character because I was busy. Her saying I have an evil spirit, and saying my other sister (she has 1 other daughter about 7 years older than me with a different man who has zero contact with her because her dad got fully custody) would never do this (even though this sister is a stranger to us all and wants nothing to do with her or anyone), and then had the nerve to say, “I’m gonna send some people down there and knock sense into you and those evil people (my bfs family who took me in as their own and has shown me nothing but love and care) you’re around.”

As you can see, there is no reasoning with her, she is selfish and set in her ways. I used to try and get her sober, try to encourage her to walk more before she loses all mobility. For crying out loud I’ve only bought her and my dad nice, reusable water bottles for Christmas and her birthday for the last 2 years to try and encourage more from her. I’ve realized they will never change.

Everything in my life has been a struggle because of them. When I would face whatever difficulty life gave me, I’d always get so upset and think to myself, “if I had parents who actually prepared me for the world,” and so on…. I’ve since learned to stop blaming them when life gets hard, but I still yearn for a maternal bond. I find myself envious of those who get to call their mom, or those who speak so highly of their mothers. Watching my sister raise my niece has been beautiful and being her aunt is the best thing I could ask for. But it also brings a deeper feeling of sadness and realization that everyone around me failed me as a kid, I couldn’t fathom watching someone treat my niece the way my parents treated us. I am my mom’s mom at this point, I’ve mothered her more than she’s ever mothered me. I carry all this but felt so much peace when I blocked her on that day she called me evil spirited. She then had my sister as her part time caretaker since my sister needed the money, but my sister would leave my niece at home and then go to my parents. That only lasted a few months because my sister’s terms were if you drink, do it while I’m not here. My mom broke that rule and my sister walked in and found my dad and his pookie pipe and my mom drunk. Then my mom likes to act like nothing happened and text all these positive things to her. Even though I’ve blocked her, I’m still affected by her and what she did to my sister. I will always be there for my sister and with hear her vent and help the best I can. But when it comes to my mom harming us, It’s a vicious cycle. I promise I’m in therapy but my therapist gives wordly advice/guidance. I’m okay and the way most people use their parents as their example, so do I; but in the less common way, I don’t want to be anything like them. I sometimes look at my features and see my mom and get annoyed that i look like her and when she’d say things like “youre so beautiful, you get that from me,” she was ultimately right. I know I have resentment still, but I’m also saved and feel my heart softening and I genuinely pray for them and hope they truly find God. My mom would sometimes read the Bible and say the vague, God bless you, or pray but I truly think it was performative/empty.

I say all this for context because it truly irritates me when I get advice from people and they say, “but that’s still your mom,” and xyz. I really had to raise myself. I’m proud I’m not a foster youth statistic, I graduated high school, I strive for more, I’m a health nut and eat clean, I exercise, I’m nothing like them. But I’m even prouder that I found God and have a relationship with him and nothing is more important than my faith. I know most say everything is usually addressed in the Bible, and I know I have a long way to go as far as readings, but the most I know right now is that the Bible says to honor them. I honesty don’t know what to do or how to even address this properly.

I thank you for reading this far if you did. I’d truly appreciate any insight, advice, prayers, or even and scripture recommendations that help advise on this. I’ve been praying on it over and over and I feel a bit stuck.