I'm 16 and slipping

Please, I want at least someone to read this and take it seriously.

Let me know if this is normal and I'm whining or if I should do something.

I feel like my life is pretty terrible and just convince myself everything is okay and convince others the same thing.

The past year I have been dealing with my parent's divorce and losing almost all of my friends except for just one.

I trust nobody with this information, so I'm sharing it anonymously. In fact I barely trust anyone around me to a normal capacity and feel like I just pretend normal social interaction to keep them at bay.

On paper my life is good (by the way I hate gloating about myself): I get good grades, I have a good job, I have good hobbies, I look good (according to a lot of people, not everyone), and I'm not addicted to social media. I upkeep these things so that I can be left alone. The only time I feel proud of myself is because I do these things without anyone telling me to do so. Though, even these things are becoming a struggle.

I've lost my brother and my father. My brother dislikes me, and I hate my dad. To summarize, my dad is a narcissist and my mom had every right to divorce him. I try to block him and not talk to him but circumstances always force interaction, which I hate. My mom had every right to divorce him: he cheated, constantly made her lose her mind, and convinces her that it's all her fault. He treats me the same way. My brother constantly nitpicks me and goes along with whatever my dad says, and has openly told me he doesn't want to be around me.

I've lost all of my friends as well, who stay friends with my brother. I stopped talking to them after they constantly belittled me and made me feel like shit. They also contribute to why I trust no one. I've known some of these people since 3rd-6th grade. By the way I'm constantly shamed by them, my dad, and my brother for not talking to them much anymore.

I still pretend to be friends with them so they don't all gang up on me and say horrible things, because they're constantly in my house and I cannot get rid of them.

The only person I have a decent relationship with in my family is my mom, but I still can't trust her with this information. I've learned that sharing any of my problems results in more problems. She's sometimes on my side, but also sometimes acts in her own interests, which is understandable because her entire life got fucked by the divorce and she's been depressed for the past few months. In fact I've seen her hiding bottles of antidepressants around the house.

But I will never personally allow myself to be reliant on any substance or even try alcohol or weed or whatever. I have self respect in that regard.

I also deleted tiktok, which I used as a distraction. Now I can at least face my issues, even if it's completely on my own in a fucking Reddit post.

So you ask "Why don't you go to therapy? Are you retarded?"

I hate therapy. In fact, I'm almost fundamentally incapable of going there. I've became so good at not sharing my problems that the therapists don't even have the slightest idea there is something wrong with me. This behavior is automatic, not deliberate. It's only those written tests where I'm honest and then they tell me "You're moderately-severely depressed".

I haven't felt much better since I was told I was depressed.

But actually telling anyone I'm depressed makes me feel like shit because I feel like they will make fun of me for it, so I brush it off time and time again.

I also convince myself I'm not depressed all the time. Even without distractions I can distract myself from my problems with my own mind, gaslighting or whatever.

And therapy has always been twisted for my parent's interests anyways, my mom says she needs it for written evidence that she doesn't manipulate me to not go to my dad's house or talk to him.

I ignore it when anyone says "they love me" or any praise at all. I am always second guessing what they say. It's like my self image is incapable of accepting almost any positivity. I have no security whatsoever. I don't have a single clue about who I really am or what I want to do with my life.

I only enjoy my life when I can shut off my brain and enter "flow state", like when riding dirt bikes or playing airsoft or playing osu mania or even fishing and cross country. I almost reached a sub 20 5k, I really want to get there.

I'm losing motivation to even do these things now, I don't know what I'll have after that.

I've lost my mind a few times over the past year, getting into screaming matches or having my grades slip or destroying my dad's house.

I'm in a perpetual state of being one bad week away of losing my mind.

On the bright side I'm rebuilding a friend group, but I don't feel close to them for reasons listed above.

Every single day during the last school year was really spent with one person, the one good friend. Also with the bad friends, who I'm forced to be around. I miss having a larger group of more friends.

I tend to get along with adults, but because my mind is so fucked, I don't know how to get along with people my own age anymore.

I desire to have a girlfriend, to have more friends, but I think I'm fundamentally incapable of it because genuine social interaction is so hard for me.

Social interaction for me is like a balancing act, keeping everyone happy. Maybe at the expense of myself?

I can blabber on even more about all the nasty things said to me all the time, especially by my brother and father.

"You are the destroyer of everything"

"You are extremely mean now, you used to be so good"

"You're fat"

"You're ugly"

"You won't have a girlfriend until 25"

"Let's be a family again"

"I love you"

All these things infuriate me or devastate me for different reasons.

I don't know what to do. I think people love me and want to support me, but they've also hurt me when I tried to get help.

Right now I'm on vacation with my dad, brother, and grandpa. Isn't that cruel?

I'm only here because my grandpa is getting old, which saddens me deeply. I don't want him to die.

Am I just playing the victim? Do I deserve this?

Ask questions if needed.

Throwaway account, obviously.