I've been relatively... less-masculine, my whole life, especially noticeable after I got into college and had more (again, relatively) time away from my parents. But there's always been something keeping me from doing the things I've thought of doing. Yk: shaving, experimenting with styles, etc. Because someone would notice, and there would be *questions* and there would be *talks* and also it's not a good time to do smth like that, because we have to focus on getting that diploma, or it's covid and we can't go out, or there is a war just outside so obviously we can't do that.    
In short, there ***always a good and valid and important reason to not explore and just go do what you're expected to do.*** Do the easy thing, abandon any silly ideas and just... do what you're told to do. Wear formless pants, get a shorter cut, try to bulk you your arms, drink beer, speak simpler, look manlier. 

Only now, at 24 years old I finally got enough leeway to live more authentically, and maybe even getting a hang of what the fuck am I (some kinda nb I guess?). I even have a place where I can test these things out. Alone. And no one will see. Maybe I can even meet more people like mysef if I go out more...

But hey-ho, apparently I thought wrong, because I am a man and so I will have to go defend my country against an invading horde of... Whatever. I didn't think much about it until today, when I got... basically sworn in. And the comments from my mom and dad on how I looked ("like a ...". The three-dot is original text, but we all understand what he *meant* to say.) and how I will "need to stop doing this kinda thing (body and limb shaving) when you're in the army" made me realize that wow, fuck, I might have to play masculinity for some more years. And then some more years too. And then I will be what, thirty? Fourty? Fifty?   
It just feels like this will never end and I will be here forever...

I just wanna live like I wanna live, maaan