I feel like I’m no one’s child, not even mother’s.

My whole life I’ve had a not so good relationship with my mother. Not even going into detail about SA I’ve experienced from a family member that she ignored and made me pretend didn’t happen after I told her for years. We recently just got back into somewhat consistent communication after finally getting an apology from her for that and slowly opening back up to her. Before graduating college, I basically felt I had no mother again because we barely spoke, then the apology happened, it still took a while for us to build up a relationship again, and then right before I graduated we started speaking more (still mostly from me reaching out as she barely ever reached out). My graduation plans didn’t work out and I wasn’t able to find a job in the city I wanted to move to and my options were moving back home or moving with another family member. I spent two weeks at home and realized I could not because my mother is a very unhygienic person who does not keep the house clean and she’s also very explosive leading to arguments daily that for some reason she does not see as arguments due to her being like that naturally. I am currently living with my other family member and have been since then and for the past three months I’ve only ever been called personally by her twice (to help my brother sign up for college or help her pay a bill). Otherwise I’ve only spoken to her (more than the alternative) through my family member as she calls them almost everyday. Even here, although I have a close relationship with my family member (my aunt), I feel as though I’m only here to be useful to helping my younger cousin succeed as she just got accepted into a program for her future career. We buy certain groceries so she eats healthier, we started working out so she can be stronger, although I’ve been job applying I still have to help her study (which is understandable since I’m living here for free, but it’s just another thing), we have to start swimming so my cousin can learn to swim, I have to go everywhere with her and am not trusted to drive on my own even though I’m 21.

I went out once and stayed out till 3 am(that I told them about and made sure was okay as I was trying to hang out with a new friend) and literally no one texted to ask if I was okay, if I made it there, or if I made it back home. Maybe these things are just my insecurities, but it hurts to be cared about by one in a parental way.

TLDR: I’ve always had a bad relationship with my mom and due to not having the best communication with her, due to her not reaching out to me a lot from the time I was in college till now, I’ve rarely felt like I really have a mom. Since I graduated, I’ve been staying with a family member and it feels like my entire presence here has mostly been to be a mule to help my younger cousin succeed in life. I could go out and despite being out late have no one care if I’ve made it home. Maybe I’m overthinking, but I’m struggling at this age, being 21, not feeling like I really have a parental figure and not being seen as anyone’s child.