"I can't be" vs "This can't be": an observation on Shane, Ilya, and denial

Note: I am mostly thinking of the show when writing this, but it is also informed by the books.

It's safe to say that the consensus is: Ilya and Shane suck at communicating. I mean they are horrible at it, with few exceptions. Entire essays have been written to as to why. Ilya's childhood trauma, Shane's neuro-divergence, their youth and the pressures put on them as rivals in a very public sport. But I find myself thinking more about their internal struggles, and how each of them comes from a place of denial, but in a very different way.

Very early on we see signs that Ilya is all too aware that he has feelings for Shane. His obsession with watching Shane's interviews, the tuna melt setup, the Russian monologue. He may fight against it, but Ilya knows what is happening. His denial isn't what is; he denies that there is any possibility of a relationship. Ilya operated from a place of "this can't be". This is explicit in the Tampa hotel room talk, but we see it throughout. Ilya has built walls around himself, around his feelings, and around life, and he can't see anything beyond those walls.

Ilya's life, since childhood, has been to follow a narrow path based on least pain/least likelihood of rejection. He takes his father's abuse, knowing that fighting back leads to more abuse. He falls into the same trap with his brother. He is fixated on the risks of being bisexual and a Russian citizen, not exploring the options he has - which could include a deeper but still secret relationship with Shane. He doesn't tell Shane how he feels, because that also could open him to rejection and pain (no doubt strengthened after tuna meltdown).

Shane's denial, meanwhile, is very different. He is able to look at possibilities, and often does. In a way this can be seen as the cause of the tuna meltdown - Shane was confronted with the reality that he was with another man; this wasn't experimenting, or just "too horny to care". Sex, and more, with another man was Shane's reality.

It isn't fear of rejection and pain that drive Shane, it is rejection of himself. Shane's walls are those of a person who has committed to a narrow path and has been following it rigidly since some time in his teens or pre-teens, when he fully committed to a career in professional hockey. Of course a gay man in the NHL/MLH is a big hurdle to overcome, and of course a relationship with your rival is huge... but his central struggle is the "I can't be" - being gay does not fit into Shane's narrow vision of his life, therefore he denies it.

That takes us to Scott, the on-ice kiss, and the cottage.

For Ilya, Scott kissing Kip was a moment that shattered his walls. Here was 100,000 year-old Scott Hunter doing the impossible - taking a risk on love. Scott risked it all for his relationship with Kip. Ilya was letting fear stop him from having that very love he saw on TV. Of maybe finding unconditional love for the first time since his mother died. He didn't have to risk everything, as Scott did, he just had to risk being honest with Shane. No more "this can't be", instead taking a risk on what could be.

Shane, meanwhile, was better prepared. Rose had taught him to accept himself, to have the flexibility to question who he was, who he needed to be, and if the path forward might have a few turns he hadn't expected that was ok. Shane had already committed to being more open with Ilya (Tampa), and inviting Ilya to the cottage. When Ilya called, "I'm coming to the cottage", Shane was ready. Anxious, over-planning, but ready.

Look at the dialogue in the last episode. Ilya speaks of fear, "but also terrified, yes?". He speaks of helplessly trying to find options: Marry Svetlana? Get US citizenship? Had he really wanted to do these things, he could have. What he wanted was Shane, but even at this point he had to work up to saying it, at first awkwardly exploring things indirectly and cautiously. His fear is so strong that he breaks down crying with relief when he finally brings himself to say "I love you". This is a man absolutely terrified of letting himself believe that happiness may be possible.

Shane, meanwhile, is all about honesty now - in fact that is his first, blunt and direct, request. He isn't perfect at it, he rebuffs Ilya when asked why he hasn't come out to his parents, but now that Shane has accepted himself we see that it was never really a "this can't be" situation for him, and he continuously works to find a way forward. "Don't marry Svetlana", "sign with Ottawa", "let's start a charity together". Scott Hunter showed that you could be a gay hockey player, and Shane was determined to find a way to be a gay hockey player dating his rival.

Two different types of denial, two different journeys. Shane needed to look in a mirror and accept what he saw; Ilya needed to look through his walls and see the world for its possibilities.

(I'm sure this isn't original, but this though has been bouncing in my skull all day and needed to be let out.)