Having a bf, but still wanting to be desired.

I been on a fight with my metal health for 4 years now, sometimes it gets better, other times I spiral and go back to level 0. I tried committing suicide more than once, thinking about it almost everyday.

Thanks to my boyfriend, he been a big support to me. But since we are in long distance relationship, it's still hard for me, as I still feel alone most of the time.

Now, the main reason am posting this, is my issue with being used. I grow up with a mental ill abusive dad, and it messed me up so bad. Tender love makes me angry, and the idea of being beaten up and used for my body brings odd comfort, makes me feel like it's what I deserve.

So when random men tries to sext me, I let them. Because I just enjoy seeing how others desire me, and enjoy the fact that they come off just by my body, not my personality.

Let me make this clear, I never send nude to anyone but my bf, and I don't cheat, all I do is keep up and encourage them to what they fantasize about, and I told my bf this and he knows I don't mean bad and that am just messed up, he been on similar situations. But still, I still feel guilty, I feel disgusting, and I don't know how to stop. I think if there was no distance between me and my bf I wouldn't even think about what others think, but now I am just alone and don't have anyone to talk to but those horny dudes.