29m, 18f, need help and somewhere to finally open up about this

Late last year I got out of a very long term relationship (9 years) with someone the same age as me. It had been burning out for a while but, it still fucking sucked. I had only been in 2 proper relationships thus far, both the same age, and a couple situationships in uni, all my age. I never thought i'd be in the situation i'm in now and prior to this happening, I honestly would have been the type to judge something like this quite harshly.

Queue me losing my job due to a mass redundancy, I was at a very low point in my life earlier in the year.

I started getting very into a certain competitive online game to distract myself and fill out my unemployed hours in between looking for work. That's when I was teamed up with her. We had fun and a laugh in comms in the game and she added me as a friend afterwards. I had no idea how old she was from her voice. The following day I accepted.

We played a couple of games together over the next few days then chatted on discord. She initially lied about her age after she asked mine, claiming to be 20. However she had reasoning for this, it wasnt just to fool me, she basically had an online group of friends she got together with back in high school while she was 14, and she added on a few years so they wouldn't be weirded out and so she would be included. She told me the same age she told them just in case I ever joined them in a game and I blew her story.

A few days go by and I realise I really really like this person, the amount of overlap we shared in interests, how easy they were to talk to, her laugh, her voice, I caught feelings quite quickly. However, even thinking she was 20 I was very reluctant to pursue anything. Well one night playing that game after we both had a few drinks (legal here for an 18 year old) and, well it became very clear we both felt the same way.

After a month and a half or so of this continuing and our feelings intensifying and our bond feeling like it was just getting stronger and stronger, talking until the birds would appear most mornings, and realising the amount we seem to have in common is actually bewildering, something I said regarding how reluctant I was to take this further because of her being 20 but, I think i'd be willing to try made her finally tell me the truth. I was devastated and felt both disgusted at myself and a bit betrayed but I was also understanding of why she lied initially and also, I recognized this is all so new for her I wasn't mad at all and forgave her immediately but I felt quite an amount of self hatred and ended things immediately. She pleaded it was only 2 years of a difference and I argued its the difference between being fresh out of high school and having 2 years experience outside of it. I couldnt be okay with it, it was wrong.

The following couple of weeks we spoke very sparsely, until a very emotional conversation one night, ending with her sending a video of her demonstrating a peculiar thing she does with her hand while she sleeps (not sexual, just cute) and, I just felt so smitten and I couldnt deny the fact I still just felt so so much for her. Things basically went back to the way they were before I said I couldnt continue due to the age difference.

Now we're here a few months after that. I have not told anyone about this happening. I have a fairly large longstanding close knit friend group. I am pretty sure they would almost all think i'd gone insane and I think a couple would maybe even be so disturbed they'd stop talking to me. And I know a lot of people in her life would be concerned if she told them. Rightfully so, I've been fully aware the whole time the capacity for harm that can result from this type thing and i've been trying so so hard to not exert any kind of power imbalance I may have with my age and not dictate anything at all in her life. But I know I can never truly mitigate this.

I love her. I truly want the best for her. I think she's an amazing person. I do not wish to control her in any way and I want her to be happy and, experience everything that she deserves in life. I honestly would have believed she was even older had she lied about that, it really did never feel like talking to someone so significantly younger than myself (I am very aware of the "mature for your age" trope and i've never said that and it's kind of like, a joke we have taken the piss out of before or, she's used to tease me about). I am not attracted to her because of her age in the slightest. Quite the opposite. I'm attracted to her in spite of it.

She very much seems absolutely head over heels for me too. Everything simultaneously feels so right, but so horribly wrong.

I wish she was my age and this whole thing would be easy.

But that isn't the case. The age gap is very significant. She's at uni and, really just beginning her life.​ She wants to meet in person asap and, it just can't br a good idea, for either of us surely? Especially for her. And I just want the best for her. Theres no way this could work out well? Have I just gone insane? Am I redeemable after this?

But I also want to meet her terribly. I've been around the block to some extent at the ripe age of 29 and i've genuinely never had a connection like this with anyone. The amount of coincidences and overlaps we share is downright spooky, how easily we can talk until 4am, how much we have been getting each other into the other person's interests and genuinely engaging with them. I've never had this with anyone​, it doesn't even feel close? and I don't think i'll ever experience anything like this again if I finally do, what is most likely the right thing and end this.

I don't know where to turn to so, have at it I suppose. Offer advice or call me disgusting, I just had to open up about this somewhere. Thanks.