I've Been Crying While Reading About Krishna... But I Still Can't Believe. Can Someone Please Help Me Understand?

im sorry if this is long but this has completely taken over my brain and i genuinely dont know who to ask anymore

im 18 (turning 19 in few months) and my entire life ive been agnostic

not properly but close to atheism

agnostic will be better in my opinion

i never hated religious people but i always thought religion was mostly man made traditions fear culture emotional comfort and stuff

if someone told me god exists id say maybe

if someone told me god doesnt exist id also say maybe

i always wanted evidence

i rejected almost every religion because i felt like everyone says THEIR religion is the truth and they all cant be right

so i just stayed agnostic

but theres one thing that has been weird since i was a kid

for some reason i always felt strangely drawn towards krishna

i cant explain it

i wasnt religious

my family wasnt forcing me

i never read the gita

i never did puja properly

i didnt even believe much

yet whenever i saw krishna there was just something

almost like familiarity

i ignored it for years

then few months ago i randomly started reading about krishna

history

mahbharat

gita

philosophy

everything

and i noticed something really weird

every single time id read about him especially certain stories or certain verses id start getting goosebumps everywhere

sometimes tears would come for absolutely no reason

and two days ago

for the first time in my life

1-2 tear came while reading about krishna and i kinda got scared like wtf is this ? whats happening

and i wasnt crying because the story was sad

i dont even know WHY i was crying

it literally felt like something inside me was responding before my brain even had time to analyse it

and thats where everything went downhill

because my analytical brain immediately stepped in

and said

hold on

what if this is just psychology

what if youre lonely

what if youre projecting

what if your brain likes the idea of an all loving guide

what if youre emotionally vulnerable

what if this is dopamine

what if its confirmation bias

what if youre creating all of this yourself

and honestly...

those are fair questions

thats exactly how my brain works

i dont want to fool myself

i dont want to force myself into believing something because it comforts me

if krishna isnt real i WANT to know

even if it destroys me

because id rather know the truth than lie to myself

but...

if he IS real

i dont want to spend my whole life doubting him either

thats literally my problem

im trapped

my heart and my brain are pulling in opposite directions

my heart genuinely wants krishna to exist

not because i want miracles

not because i want money

not because i want my problems magically solved

i genuinely dont care about miracles

if krishna is real id still want to build my startup myself

go gym myself

fight my own battles

make my own decisions

all id want is...

someone walking beside me

someone who actually knows me completely

someone i can talk to

someone i can trust

someone i know is there

btw i am still typing with tear in my eyes i cant explain or understand whats the reason for that like idk its very confusing

i dont even know if this makes sense

but at the same time

my brain keeps saying

where is the evidence

where is the proof

why is every experience explainable by psychology?

if i ask krishna something and my mind answers

(like yesterday according to bhagwat gita it says krishna will talk back thru your own mind and through the nature and reality itself)

and i asked few questions and my brain did answers BUT HOWD I KNOW it thats just not my brain and subconcious

cuz again if ill ask krishna from my brain to give me a mathematical equation it will fail

it can only answers things that i subconciously know

how do i know thats not just my subconscious

if i see coincidences

how do i know thats not confirmation bias

if i feel peace

how do i know thats not my brain

EVERYTHING seems explainable naturally

but i desperately want krishna to exist as a god for real

i am a logical person and its kind of eating me

and because of that i never reach a conclusion

these were asked questions in my head like

krishna why did this girl reject me? after she was the one who flirted and she was the one who texte d me the most and she was the one whod call me love but when i do fall in love w her she rejected me?

and the answer i got actually challenged my ego instead of comforting me

but then i think

cool

maybe my subconscious just generated a mature answer

then i asked

krishna my heart wants to love you but my brain keeps questioning you please prove yourself

the thought that came was something like

"you dont need to reach a conclusion right now do what your heart wants and let the tug of war settle naturally"

then literally the next day i randomly saw an instagram post saying

"you were born into this universe to live not solve it"

and again...

my brain immediately says

algorithm

confirmation bias

coincidence

not evidence

and it never ends

ive also noticed some actual changes recently

ive stopped feeling anxiety ever since i went deep into research of krishna and bhagwat geeta

ive become more focused on doing what the gita calls my dharma

not perfectly

but something has shifted

and again

my brain says

placebo

psychology

motivation

NOT proof

i even started reading the bhagavad gita

and honestly from what i understand it doesnt really give me a logical proof that krishna is god

instead it seems to say

walk the path sincerely and understanding deepens

but then my brain asks

isnt that true for every religion

muslims say that

christians say that

buddhists say that

everyone says stay long enough and youll know

so how do i know im not just conditioning myself

thats my entire problem

i dont want blind faith

i also dont want blind skepticism

i want truth

if krishna isnt real tell me why

if he is real tell me why

but every single argument i find eventually reaches ambiguity

and i stay stuck

ive spent HOURS every day researching this

philosophy

history

psychology

atheist arguments

hindu arguments

everything

and i still dont have an answer

im mentally exhausted

i genuinely dont know if what im experiencing is something spiritual

or just an incredibly convincing psychological experience

has ANYONE here genuinely gone through something similar

especially people who were skeptical or agnostic first

did you ever reach an actual conclusion

or am i asking for a level of certainty that simply doesnt exist

please dont just tell me

just have faith bro

or

religion is fake bro

im genuinely looking for honest thoughtful answers from people who have actually wrestled with this because this question has genuinely become one of the biggest things occupying my mind right now