I wish I never converted. It has made my life worse in every way.

I converted because I thought it would give me meaning in my life, and it did for a short while, but now it's nothing more than another thing to beat myself over the head with.

I already hated my life beforehand. I hated my life and I hated myself because my life is a result of my hated decisions. I never managed to do what I needed to do beforehand. I never fulfilled my responsibilities. Now, on top of being a failure in every aspect of my temporal life, I have a spiritual life to be a failure in.

I should have known I wouldn't be able to be a Catholic. If I've failed at everything else, why would this be any different? I failed high school, I failed at college, I've failed at every job I've ever had and I've failed at forming relationships with other people. I hated myself for failing to do those and now I hate myself for skipping mass on Sunday and giving into my addictions and for failing to pray and for everything else.

I was better off not knowing anything. At least before I converted I managed to brush my teeth, and take showers, and to eat enough to sustain myself, and to put my pants on in the morning. Now I don't even manage to get those done. I've become a failure at the most basic requirements of a functioning human being ever since I converted.

Nobody, not even my priest, understands me. He says the same thing as everybody else: I'm just not trying hard enough, I'm not doing enough, I need to do this thing and this other thing and if I don't, it's my fault. You're right, it is my fault. All of it is my fault and I have nobody to blame but myself, and I'm never going to change and it's hopeless to even consider the possibility that I will change. Are you happy now? Is that what you wanted to hear?

I tried to add meaning to my life and I only succeeded in adding another reason to wish I was dead. Now I can't even wish I was dead, because now I'm afraid of hell. Now there's no escape. I'm trapped with my suffering and I'll never escape it. At least beforehand I had a way out. Now I know that there is no way out, and that there is no end to my torment, and that I deserve all of it, and I hate myself because of that.