Today has been hard

Wife and I married for 12 years. I have been doing a decent job of going out with friends and keeping myself busy. Unfortunately all of my friends are married with families, and everyone had stuff going on. I'm an introvert and the thought of going to a random bar or event and striking up conversation without a wingman is just an absolute no for me. I ended up getting taco bell and watching netflix.

We met when I was 21 and she was 22. She has gone back and forth on whether she wants to leave several times over the past 2 years, this time I fought it for a little bit, I begged to know why and what I did, no answer. I didn't do anything, she said she just didn't love me anymore. Then one day she got so frustrated with me asking she yelled at me in front of the kids "I DO NOT LOVE YOU ANYMORE". I had enough and told her fine. I met with a lawyer and drew up a separation agreement and got affidavits for a dissolution.

She has been spiteful since. Gaslighting, manipulating. Trying to rage bait me, she told the kids she was leaving because I had anger issues. Isolated mutual friends. I lock my door at night, and keep my phone recording at all times now. She moves out in a week.

I have been so pissed the last 12 years meant nothing, I wouldn't have cared if she got hit by a bus. Her past behavior, lying, cheating and to top it off at the end of our marriage was 2 felonies. I shouldn't be sad. Yet today, for some reason, it hit me and hit me hard. Panic, heart racing, felt like my airway was being constricted. Typical when the hurt sets in I remind myself of all the BS. But today, the good came back. All the love notes, the way she'd look at me like she adored me, the way she hugged me when I would walk through the door, the memories of every holiday and vacation with the kids, the game nights. All of it. Crushing me.

I guess at this point I'm confused how I ever loved her through it all, and how I felt loved enough to keep everything going after each soul crushing mistake of hers happened. I'm well aware that I should never have stayed.