Feel guilty. I slipped back into old ways after a particularly bad spike tonight.

My ROCD has been an issue for just over 2 months now (started having spirals circa 23 May 2026), it caused me several crises, and stuff. I felt hopeless. But then, from about early July onwards, I learned to do some of the ERP stuff recommended in this sub. I sat with the discomfort through some intrusive thoughts even if they were "worse" than others, I was often able to identify when it was my ROCD like
"This is an intrusive thought. I will not engage with it."
"Maybe, maybe not. I don't have to think about this right now"
"My ROCD is catastrophising a small, insignificant thing. I will not argue with it."

For a good few weeks now, I've managed those things, and avoided several things that would have escalated into spirals if I'd interacted with them the way I had from May-June.
I was able to consistently feel love for my boyfriend again, I was calmer, and was more worried about the idea of him leaving me than me not loving him. (I know that isn't ideal either, but in a way it was a relief to finally worry more about him not loving me again after months of questioning my own feelings)

I was doing so bloody well.
But tonight, unfortunately, I've had a horrific spiral. It was intrusive thoughts about a guy I used to be online friends with (and used to fancy for about a year, but then stopped liking, and started liking the boy who is now my boyfriend)
My ROCD was trying to convince me of all sorts of things like "The feelings never truly ended." "I still like him", AND showed me flashbacks of the time I met him irl last year.
But that wasn't all. The thoughts were much louder this time, and there were more of them, so I caved.
I whisper-screamed "NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!" "I DON'T LIKE HIM." "PLEASE STOP." (I am home alone. Not in public. No one heard)

I feel utterly ashamed of myself, and so disappointed. For weeks I'd done a great job at not engaging with the thoughts, not having full-on spirals etc.
but tonight it happened again. I feel absolutely awful, and am kicking myself for being unable to catch it in time and feeding the cycle.