I regret myself

I actually don't know how to look positive into the future anymore. At every step there was a chance to take a tiny amount of risk and just be open enough to finally get myself into a positive direction. I rejected it. Every single time. It was my impulse to reject it as if I wasn't a good person somehow and can say yes to it. I'm 29 now and was cometely isolated for almost 8 years now, I had very few experiences with others. I know it's all my decision but I don't do it. It's not even that some others don't want to be friends with me. I just feel like it happens everytime I feel the worst and still show up that social contact happens. And after I had that with a girl I had a crush on for the last half year, and I rejected every possibility even when she came on to me and now I can't see her anymore, I just feel totally hopeless and hate myself for doing it. I know it's not healthy to do and only leads to the opposite but I don't know what to do anymore. I really, really liked her and she seemed to like me aswell. She tried after countless other failed possibilities to give me a "look" when we were in our exams as she left, and I could feel it while still writing and I impulsively rejected her. She sighed in a hurtful way and I almost cried in the bus ride home and thought of hanging myself for the first time in a non-attention grabbing way, because thats how I usually think. It's not only that I lost her but it's also like I have this picture in my mind of her and I just feel like I lost something so important. And that is just too cruel.