I'm so lonely it's making me want to end my life.

I am a 32 year old transgender man. I came out 9 years ago. I have a history of depression, suicidal ideation, suicide attempts, anxiety and ptsd from quite a brutal sexual assault.

Objectively speaking my life is leaps and bounds better than it used to be. I feel at home in my body, I've lost 55 kilograms (140kg down to 85kg, or 308lbs down to 187lbs), I finally found a career path that I am passionate about and am going to university to pursue that further. I have an active social life with many friends and loved ones.

But I want to end it all because I am deeply and desperately lonely. I haven't been in a romantic relationship for over 10 years. I have an active sex life, several friends-with-benefits and regularly hook up with guys on grindr but I guess I want a deeper connection.

But these past few months I've just had a pit of desperate gnawing lonliness in my stomach. And despite doing my best, my confidence is at an all time low. I know I am objectively unattractive, and of course most gay men are not interested in trans men aside from the occasional fuck. It feels like I'll never find love, even temporarily. He doesn't even have to be *just* mine, he could have other lovers, as long as I would be *his*.

I've sort of resigned myself to being good for a fuck but not good enough to love.

I don't have a plan to kill myself, but god. The urge is strong. And the fact that it is over something as stupid as "waah nobody wants to be my boyfwend🥺" is fucking pathetic.