i met this nice cis girl. she likes me a lot. i enjoy the time that we spend together. she is very pretty and we share a lot of the same interests. but she doesn’t know who i am. she will never know who i am. ever since i first met her ive been putting on a performance. one catered specifically for her. i make sure that i never talk about any problems i have unless she really pushes for info and then ill say something like “school/work has really been stressing me out lately.”

i am not attracted to her. she has a pretty face and a nice body and could be with any guy. i didn’t ever seek her out she has sorta chased me and inserted herself into my life. it feels very exhausting having to play a character this much. she’s talked about me moving in because i think she can tell that im trying to avoid her so i can have room to breathe. 

she says we were made for each other. she says we would make the cutest babies. i think that last part is true. all i’ve ever wanted is a child. it’s not like i’ll ever be able to be a mother anyway. could i keep up the act of being a loving husband and father? now that would be the performance of a lifetime. 24/7 for decades i would have to laugh when they laugh and cry when they cry. 

we would be well off. her family is rich and i would get a great position quickly due to her father’s connections. i would never have to worry about money. i would actually have a nice house and be able to afford anything i want, travel and go on nice vacations. 

i worry that she knows how i really feel about her already. maybe it’s the fact that i sometimes will take days to respond to her lovebomb texts, or it could be the way we kiss, or the fact that ive never been aroused by her. she cries even if i insist it’s due to being drunk or high or whatever else comes to mind.

however most of the time she seems happy. i buy her the flowers that she loves. a few times a week ill pick up the candy that she likes and give her a back massage while she watches reality slop. i like these moments because i can focus on something that makes her happy and quiet the voices in my head. 

everyone is so happy for me. they all love her very much. they agree that we were made for each other. my family always says they were starting to get worried that i would be alone forever. they say they felt that i was starting to get weird. my dad has started talking to me more for the first time in years. my mom can’t wait for grandchildren. 

my friends think it’s weird that she knows nothing about me. she doesn’t know about my favorite anything. she doesn’t even really know how i spend the majority of my day. thats how i designed the relationship. i think she likes it that way. she can fill in the spaces with cool mysterious things and fill in the blanks for the boyfriend of her dreams. this works for me.

i will never get to be myself in any capacity. i am too scared to let someone really see me for who i am. i am too much of a narcissist to pass away. filling this role is a community service. i can give my life to making this girl that has been treated unfairly in the past happy. i know that what im doing is wrong but i simply do not care anymore. she gets to live as the woman i’ve always wanted to be with the husband i’ve always wanted. why should i feel bad for her? because it’s all a lie? my whole life is a lie and i’m doing fine. if things fall apart she’ll get over it. maybe i do resent her.

marriage repping