used to let older guys degrade me and use me for free drinks and money and I still feel gross about it

I’m 24F. This was mostly between 20 and 22. I was broke, in school, working shitty shifts, and I had this thing for being treated like I was nothing. Not soft dom stuff. Actual mean, degrading talk, being used and then ignored.
I’d go out alone a lot. Bars, sometimes random house parties through acquaintances. I’d pick older guys (usually 35–50) who looked like they had money and zero interest in being nice. I’d flirt just enough, then tell them straight up what I wanted: call me a slut, use my mouth, slap me around a little, then leave me with nothing but the cash or the tab paid. No overnight, no soft aftercare, no “you’re pretty.” Just the cold version.
Some nights it was just free drinks and a hand around my throat in the bathroom. Other nights I’d end up on my knees in a car or hotel for a couple hundred bucks and the kind of verbal degradation that still makes my stomach turn when I remember it. I never did anything without them knowing the deal. I initiated most of it. I liked how empty and used I felt afterward. It scratched something I couldn’t get from normal dating or even regular kink partners who actually cared if I was okay.
The worst part is how many of them were married or had serious girlfriends. I knew. I didn’t care at the time. I’d see the ring and still lean in and tell them to treat me worse because of it. I told myself it was their problem, not mine. Looking back it just feels shitty. I was using their secrecy the same way they were using me.
I stopped when one of them got weirdly attached and started showing up at my job. Nothing violent, just… persistent. That was the first time it felt dangerous instead of hot. I ghosted everyone, changed my routines, and haven’t done anything like it since.
I don’t miss the money or the free nights out. I miss the way my brain went quiet while it was happening. But I hate that I needed strangers to call me worthless for me to feel anything, and I hate that I helped a bunch of guys cheat on people who didn’t deserve it. Never told anyone in real life. Still don’t plan to.