25 July 2026

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I stopped counting because I stopped being passionate... But I won't stop writing, or at least I'll try not to even even if I've always been someone who pauses more often than move...

I woke up at 1 pm ... consumed by regret over not going to work yesterday... I just couldn't force myself out of bed I remained paralyzed by my own choices... I opted for the familiarity of my comfort zone rather than confronting the world outside ..

I find the world deeply terrifying. Stepping outside and dealing with others fills me with dread as if every little thing is a source of fear... This reminds me of Dazai saying

"Again, I never once answered back anything said to me by my family. The ‎least word of reproof struck me with the force of a thunderbolt and drove me ‎almost out of my head. Answer back! Far from it, I felt convinced that their

‎reprimands were without doubt voices of human truth speaking to me from ‎eternities past; I was obsessed with the idea that since I lacked the strength to ‎act in accordance with this truth, I might already have been disqualified from ‎living among human beings"

I see so much of myself in his writing, even though I deeply resent him as a person...

I just hope my hatred for Dazai isn't simply my own self-hatred in disguise..

Anyway..At 1 PM, I made breakfast eggs and meat I tried making an iced coffee, though I don’t even like coffee. Truth is I barely use any just cocoa with less than a quarter teaspoon of coffee mixed in..ended up leaving it untouched..

try so hard to eat more than one meal a day, but I just can't no matter how much I reduce the portions... I’m currently eating barely a quarter of what I used to year ago... For someone who has always loved food this sudden loss of appetite feels completely weird to me...

What’s stranger still is that I can actually eat healthy food now... In the past cutting out bread and sugar seemed completely impossible to me a pure figment of my imagination... But now I find it surprisingly easy..

Back then, I ate heavily but was constantly active and exercising daily... Now, all that energy has faded into just walking...

I finished my meal at 3pm... Yes, I'm that slow at eating... A meal can take me more than two hours, and drinking a cup of tea can take four.. Of course I don't do these tasks alone..

Afterwards I listened to lectures that explained a book I was interested in...I spent hours or almost the entire day ...

Then a relative called to say her family was traveling and she wanted to stay with mine. Fine, but I honestly don't see what that has to do with me? I'm in the exact same boat as her family.. I don't live with them..and won't be traveling back to them anytime soon. She should have just called them directly..

Anyway, I passed the message, and they 'welcomed' her... if you can call reluctant acceptance a welcome. Having stayed with us before she made sure to criticize every detail of our home. Let’s just say her history with my family and with me in particular is far from pleasant..

Back when I decided to travel she was the first to say no one should permit it. She believed the whole family should refuse and sure enough they did... Now that she wants to move away and our family refused she treats it as a tragedy HOW IRONIC... Why was their control justified when it was directed at me but a injustice when turned against her?

Back then my desire to live alone was deemed a moral failing a disgrace she eagerly criticized... Now she seeks the very same refuge and has the nerve to ask for my help... The sheer nerve of it is staggering... the ultimate display of hypocrisy... Absolute height of audacity..

It has been so long since I had any contact with anyone outside my immediate family... Dammit, answering her only ruined my peace I had finally begun to forget... I wouldn't have even picked up the phone if I didn't hold a firmly ingrained belief "relatives will only call when someone die" ... When I answered I was fully expecting the news of a death..