How do you not become too emotionally codependent or enmeshed with your partner?

I’ve (34f) been doing a lot of reflection lately on my childhood and “what could have been”. It’s been an eye opener. I was someone who believed I was ok just because my parents were somewhat physically available and not outright physically abusive. I’ve blamed myself and my choices for what I now know is emotional distance (for example not following their path and lifestyle, breaking free from their religious beliefs, not calling enough). As time passes, I’m finding our divide widen, and to be honest it’s leaving me feeling the emotional void. That existential feeling of being alone, something I never I’d feel with two living parents, is weighing on me. That ache is there.

Not surprisingly, I’ve always struggled with relationships with others. I’ve often found myself struggling socially, never fitting in, never feeling like people know me. I’ve blamed myself for not letting them in, but truthfully I think I’ve rarely been given the chance. Friendship is conditional, and most of my relationships are acquaintances I know I can’t call when I need someone. I’ve been used and abused, and as I get older I’m proud of myself for doing my best to not allow the people in my life to mistreat me, but that’s limited my ability to trust and put myself out there.

So, enter my boyfriend. My loving partner of just under a year. I’ve never felt more seen and understood. I’ve been able to open up and be vulnerable with him. Not having family or friends, he’s become my rock. My person. My go to.

Here’s the thing. Based on what I’ve read and understood from Reddit and books and articles and the internet, this could actually be problematic. I’m starting to wonder where the line is between being in a good relationship and being trauma-bonded/enmeshed/codependent. Being a loving couple or being toxic.

Frankly, I choose to turn to my partner every day for emotional support…but I’m starting to think this might be a problem. I try to be mindful of relying too heavily on him for love and attention, recognizing that I’m leaning on solely him because I don’t have anyone else in my life to talk to, or spend time with. He has a loving family that he does things with. It’s so foreign to me. Last month he went on a weeklong vacation with his parents, which really brought up a lot of my own feelings and grief around not being able to do that with my family. When he’s unavailable I do my best to try to lean into my own hobbies and things…but at the end of the day, that deep ache of loneliness creeps in, feeling like I’m fundamentally missing something I could have had.

I don’t know. I’m now aware of the trauma I have and what that entails, and the last thing I want is to be a burden on my partner. I don’t want my own personal longings and loneliness to affect our relationship in a negative way. I don’t want to consciously or subconsciously expect the kind of love and nurturing I should have received as a child from this man I’ve only known for some long.

I guess…when you have complex trauma due to emotional neglect and/or abuse, and limited resources and other relationships in your life to fulfill you, how do you not become codependent or enmeshed with your partner? My only thought right now is to continue to lean into loving myself and doing my things.

Advice?