I’m confused

Hi everyone. I just wanted to come on here and get some perspective or maybe just vent.
From the ages of about 4 to 14, I was sexually abused by some of my male cousins and my aunt’s husband. I know, logically, that it wasn’t my fault because I was a child. But lately, I’ve been struggling with feelings that somehow it was.

I’m starting therapy soon because these memories have been weighing on me a lot recently, and I know I have unresolved trauma. One thing that really confirms that for me is how triggered I get whenever I hear people talking about childhood sexual abuse or watch documentaries about it. I become incredibly uncomfortable, anxious, and just want to disconnect from the conversation completely.
The hardest part has been the guilt. When my aunt’s husband abused me, he would threaten me and tell me that if I ever told anyone, my mom, my siblings, and I would end up homeless because we lived with him and my aunt. I was terrified. Looking back, I realize no child should have carried that kind of responsibility, but at the time I truly believed it.

The part I struggle with most is that I eventually started asking him for things because I knew he would give them to me while he was abusing me. In my mind, it feels like I somehow became complicit or brought it on myself, even though another part of me knows I was just trying to survive an impossible situation. I don’t know if anyone else has experienced something similar, but it’s something I’ve carried a lot of shame over.

I haven’t really talked to many adults who have gone through childhood sexual abuse because it still feels like such a taboo subject. I’m not looking for people to feel sorry for me. I think I just want to know that I’m not alone and that someone else understands these complicated feelings.

I also remember praying constantly as a child. My family was very religious, and I would get on my knees at night, silently crying and asking God, “When will this stop?” Those memories have stayed with me.
One of the hardest things now is that my aunt’s husband has become a very religious person, and there’s this expectation that I should forgive him. I think, in some ways, I have forgiven him for my own peace, but I’m still incredibly angry about what he took from me.

I’m married now, and I truly love my husband. He’s a good man, and I know that if we ever have children, they will grow up in a safe home where they are loved and protected. That gives me a lot of comfort.
I’m hoping therapy will help me process everything I’ve been carrying for so many years. I guess I just needed to get this off my chest. If anyone else has experienced something similar and feels comfortable sharing their journey or what has helped them heal, I’d really appreciate hearing from you.