hopefully platonic stuff is good

Nondescript title because I don’t know how to describe this without several words. My friend group recently told me they’re breaking up with me(18m) after 4 years They told me that it was because I’d been giving death glares to a friend that made people feel uncomfortable/unsafe, along with gestures with my hands. I was aware of this situation, it had been going on for the better part of a year, but there are several reasons I didn’t consider it a significant problem.

I’ll be the first to admit for reasons I won’t disclose I hated this person, didn’t want to be around them and would leave the room if we were in the same space. I had made up my mind pretty early on that I didn’t want any relationship with them.This usually manifested in expressions. Throughout this time I swore I’d never engage in violent behavior, insult or harass them verbally or online, and I’d directly encouraged my friends to continue having a relationship with them or at least not prevent them. I didn’t want to take out any of my rage on people I still considered friends, so I’d often compensate by being extra attentive and curious to my other friends. They said that behavior just made them feel strange. The presence of that person caused me significant amounts of stress, the kind that I couldn’t easily keep bottled up it manifested through facial expressions. I did attempt solutions throughout this time. I talked with my friends about potentially creating separate hangout times where I didn’t need to be around them and they didn’t need to be around me, this whole process weighing on my mental health. This was rebuffed, them saying it’d be too difficult, making me feel like they weren’t willing to help. Anytime I tried to talk to them about the stress I felt towards this person they also rebuffed me, quickly changing the subject or getting irritated with me. This is despite them stating they had several conversations with that person on this same subject. I also initiated several conversations with this person explaining my feelings and asking for them to reduce contact with me.

Before and after this incident they did approach me about my behavior but not in a direct fashion, just telling me to stop with the death glares without implying it was a matter of safety or that they felt threatened. As a result I never actually understood the situation, them apparently having carried resentment over me for several months without ever telling me. The 2nd specifically was harrowing for me, as that elevated stress was consistently weighing on my mental health, making me feel terrible on the times that should have been my relaxation. My expressions was a way of keeping my behavior in check, ensuring that my anger wouldn’t become overwhelming. I’ll admit that came out in me getting quite emotional and uncooperative, but I attempted to remedy it the next day.Seeing as it was our vacation celebrating graduation I went along with their suggestion, stopping myself from making any expression relating to them. I think I’ve never had a more harrowing experience. But throughout the vacation they nearly never talked to me, spending nearly the entire last day talking to that friend in question instead of me, or trying to check in as I was emotionally repressing myself. And now, after a two week vacation they told me they were going no contact, only after I explicitly asked them what our relationship was. They didn’t acknowledge how much I tried to keep my emotions in check for them, how I tried to work on my death glares or how for those last 4 days I explicitly told them I’d stop. Throughout the entire relationship i felt consistently remorseful and hurt, like the failure of one relationship led to a domino effect. That they’d only like me if I liked this one person. A lot of those feelings of guilt are gone now, their poor treatment and neglect of me removed a lot of it. I’m moving on with my life now, going to a new college and everything, but I feel terrible that I practically have to bury my old one. (Note this post was originally going to be on AITA before i saw the rules)