Guilt

My wife a very private solitary brilliant woman and I lived a quiet happy life. Needed only each other. She said repeatedly over the years her idea of the very worse end to life was a hospital filled with noise , being poked and prodded…Late May she woke with aphasia- multi glio growing fast. In less than 8 weeks, she was in a hospital . Most days she doesn’t know me. She pleads for quiet with her eyes. She confused and scared
I granted that unspoken wish. She could not articulate her wishes at that point.. it was either a series of surgeries and radiation, chemotherapy with uncertain outcomes over and over and no living . No good news. The doctors didn’t pull punches. No return of cognition.She never knew what hit her.
I knew in my heart what she wanted and I asked for it all to stop. She’s going into hospice with a timeline of likely less than a month.
No sweet goodbyes just a bewildered woman I read to. She times she knows me, sometimes hates me because I called 911 finally whileshe begged to be just left alone.
I have grief as we all do but also the grinding guilt that I made the wrong decision.
My best friend said “this is not your movie now. No hero time. Just be with her and trust you knew her heart better than anyone.”