How is this kind of behavior called?

This is something I haven’t even discussed with my therapists or friends, simply because it feels like one of the deepest and most complex layers of my trauma, and I don’t know how to feel about it. I didn’t even think about it that much before I learned that some stuff that I’ve been through is SA of straight up rape, and that what my mother was doing to me was emotional and physical abuse.

Speaking of which, she also gaslit me into believing I was the dramatic one. That my love and care for her is somehow wrong and never enough. She gifted me the fawning response by always doubling down if I tried resisting her, which led to the later SA. So that’s great.

But I also keep on thinking that she might have fucked me up even more than that?

Because I was a clingy child who loved to cuddle and to be praised, but why was I allowed to go dancing naked in front of the guests at the kindergarten age? Was the no pants and underwear in bed rule really for my benefit? Isn’t it weird to ask your teen to sit on your lap and try to pull them in your bed when they don’t want to?

I keep battling myself in my own head and I can’t make my mind up if I’m making stuff up, and all of my complicated feelings stem from the plain abuse that definitely did happen, or does the nausea I feel every time I think about it mean something?

My mom isn’t even into my gender…