Mom always says things 'would be good for me' when it's something she wants, uses siblings to convey her feelings instead of communicating like an adult. Help me understand how to proceed.

TW: Verbal abuse, possible general abuse

My mom (60s F) has never been a great communicator. I think she's one of those people who doesn't know how to say what she feels/wants or compromise and communicate effectively. She yelled a lot when I was a kid, would pretty quickly resort to punishment and taking things away instead of parenting and discussing behavior, and has pretty much always been a 'do as I say not as I do' person. My parents divorced, and she had very strict requirements about what my dad was to do when having us over and what he needed to have in his home that she can't even meet herself. I know that's starting out really negative, but I don't have a ton of non-negative memories of my childhood. It wasn't abusive or neglectful, but it wasn't great either. Rather than learn to parent effectively, she'd just stick me in therapy and have a therapist deal with it. So most of my memories are therapy visits, especially the ones where she'd use the therapist to turn it into a 'tell on me' session.

I'm 30 now, and since I got to college I limit the amount of time I see my family. I'd generally rather stay by myself during holidays and time off. Taking time off work to see my family is exhausting and not what I want to use my time off for. I have a better relationship with my dad than I did when I was a kid, but I don't see him often either. He got remarried and has his own family now, and my stepmom doesn't want their kids to know my siblings and I exist (my grandmother has shared this, she got in trouble for mentioning us) so we don't see them outside of large family gatherings where we don't talk anyways. I'm kind of a loner but I don't mind. I have a busy job and can always work extra to keep myself busy, and I'm doing a masters degree that takes a good bit of my evenings and weekends.

My mom has continued doing this thing where she's like 'I think you would like it if you did ____' or 'I think it would be good for you to come home and see us on ____' and I feel like a terrible child, but it's pretty clear it's something she wants that she just won't communicate as such. She also uses my younger siblings to say 'Sibling feels really upset that you won't ____' and when I talk to them they're like 'I didn't say that' and that is what upsets me most, because using other people to stand in for the fact that she can't communicate is not at all fair to my siblings. She's an adult, she can learn to communicate.

Again, nothing like abuse or neglect but just something that makes me not really want to be around them. Time spent with her is always a guilt trip for how I don't do ___ or don't spend more time with them. When she comes to my home, she's incredibly judgmental of how I've decorated, the furniture (that she gave me), how the space looks, what food I buy (too much or too little), etc. My family has never been functional my mom has an estranged relationship with her parents for her own reasons. My dad's family is small, we saw them every few years growing up. I don't really feel like I'm missing anything in my life by not having this part of me, but at the same time I feel like something's wrong with me and I worry people will judge if I talk about my family. But also I just don't have the patience for it anymore.

Do I just need to suck it up and realize being in a family means tolerating this? Or should I start preparing a bit more financially & otherwise to just deal with an eventual fall-out. I'm not really sure what to do but it feels like this cloud hanging over me. Any and all advice appreciated on how to navigate this.