My mom died and everything else did too

In Sept, my mom passed after a six year battle with mesothelioma. In the end, she had brain damage occurring from DKA, and the last few weeks of her life were dark and she was not at peace. There wasn’t sitting and holding hands or us all saying how much we loved each other. She was just begging to be given meds to make her sleep until she died, not because of pain, but because she was a life long alcoholic and was deeply anxious.

My mom and I had a complicated relationship and I miss her so much every minute it hurts.

My dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s about 6 months before my mom died and now is rapidly declining. He is in an independent living facility with aide care but there is some new emergency every day. And the only person I want to talk to about him is my mom.
I have one older brother who I have a strained relationship with for my whole life. He is married to a lovely woman, but has been my lifelong bully and has a tense relationship with my dad.

I live across the country but come home every other month. 3 months before my mom died, my long-term partner and I broke up. This left me to move to a new town 30 minutes from where I was living in order to afford living alone.

I’m now in the process of having to put down my soul dog. We’ve been side by side for 13 years and she has been the most consistent part of my life.

At 35, I have some wonderful lifelong friendships, a great job, but am not where I thought I’d be. And the only person I wish I could talk to about it is my mom.

I feel lost everyday without her and like there is no one on this planet right now that really loves me or calls me their own. I keep watching all my friends build their families and mine has just died right in front of me and I’m alone. I would do anything to go back one year and spend every minute of her last month with her.