FTM Detransitioned for safety, but the depression is too deep. Need advice.

To start, I’m 22NB. I started my transitioning (FTM) at 15. I transitioned socially completely with my family and friends, and started testosterone at 16. I felt the best I ever have. Stronger, fitter, more like me. It was wonderful, everything felt right. I had the fortune of transitioning over the COVID-19 lockdown, so I could freely explore myself without the threat of being seen in everyday life. I generally consider myself VERY lucky.

Once I graduated highschool, I realized very quickly that I wasn’t passing. I lived (and still live) in a massively red state, so this put me in direct risk. Me, my therapist, and my endocrinologist took me off hormones for my own safety since crimes against trans people were becoming more and more common.

I trained and entered a very female dominated field (esthetics), and tried to hustle and push away any feelings of distress about my body or myself. That’s stopped working entirely, and I worry every single day that I’m straying further from myself. I’m not sure what to do, I really feel like I have no one to turn to. I have a loving, supportive fiancée and family and friends—but the outside world and my job field will no doubt be less considerate.

Who I was never disappeared, I miss him every single day. I can see the difference in my pictures, my eyes were so bright and happy. I know this is generally “talk to a therapist” sort of thing, but it’s very hard to find help that’s non-religious where I am. I’ve already gone through conversion therapy, I certainly can’t do it again. Any help is greatly appreciated 🫶🏻