My boyfriend watches porn and is redpill

I really need help.

I wanted to make another post about my boyfriend watching porn and being redpill because I feel like there are so many things I left out, and right now.

I've been with my boyfriend for 6 years and 2 months now. Before we started dating, we talked every day for an entire year. We were best friends. He fell first, but i definitely fell harder.

When we started dating, we were inseparable. We practically moved in together right away because we were always together anyway. I was 18, and he was 19. I am his first girlfriend, the first person he ever had sex with, and the first person he ever told "I love you."

Back then, he was pretty insecure. He had acne, he was skinny, and he was shy. I never thought any less of him, I thought he was beautiful. But I know he hated himself.

As time went on, he started working on himself. He followed a strict diet, trained consistently, and had an extremely rigid schedule. He wanted to start his own business because he didn't want a normal job. I never complained about any of it. I supported him completely and never put any pressure on him for not making money. I always believed in him, like deeply.

He lived with my mom and me for about 5 and a half years. During that time, he was broke. We rarely went out because he couldn't afford to, and he always had to be on his computer working. I understood because he told me to trust him, and I did. He said he was doing all of this for us so we could be financially free and so he could eventually pay for my schooling, for our kids, for us being free and for him to make me discover life with him.

So I made sacrifices. 

He wouldn't come to my family gatherings or even to one of my birthday dinners because he always said he had to work.

Whenever we argued during those years, he would tell me he wasn't going to leave because he wasn't a quitter. He'd say that the years we had spent together meant something. He told me we were a team and that we could work through anything together.

Then, in the fall of 2025, he started making a lot of money, He decided to move into an apartment with me.

That's when everything went downhill.

Before we moved in, he drove me to school every single day. It was a one-hour drive each way. He always said it was because I didn't know how to drive well, that i would have an accident, even tho i never had one or proved that i wasnt capable of doing so. He constantly did things for me like that, and over time I slowly lost confidence in myself. I just didn't have any energy to confront him at some point, because he was telling me that all he said was for my wellness. So, I started believing I wasn't capable of doing certain things and he would just take every decisions for me, because ''he knows better''.

Then, after we moved in, I still had my job in my hometown, so I had to make that same commute several times a week. I was terrified of driving in such a big city.

Mind you, it was kinda out of nowhere. It happened within one week. I spent my whole life with my mom, and we have two dogs that we had to leave there, and it was also right when my shcool started, so i had to adapt to so many things and process everything in a short time. I was stressing and he was mad at me for it. I just wish he would slow down a bit and reassure me. Also, he suddenly told me, "You can drive by yourself." as if he hadn't spent years repeatedly making me believe I couldn't.

So, when we moved in, he also started acting like his future plans no longer included me.

He began saying things like, "If you're not happy, then leave," or, "This is my home."

Suddenly, the years we had spent together didn't seem to matter anymore. Our "team" didn't seem to matter anymore either.

He also became openly lustful around me. He would stare at other women's bodies right in front of me. When I confronted him about it, he told me I was crazy.

Then, in November, I went through his laptop.

I saw his conversations with ChatGPT confirming that he had been looking at another girl's butt and saying that he "had to."

I also discovered that he had been following redpill ideology since 2022, and suddenly so many things started making sense.

I saw conversations where, after we had arguments, he asked ChatGPT how to respond in a "redpill" way. I saw that he sometimes panicked internally but acted completely emotionless in front of me.

Then I discovered he had been watching porn the entire time.

The thing is that he always acted like he was above those kinds of things. I even remember him telling me once, "If I watched porn, you wouldn't trust me." He was making me feel so bad to watch social media or love island, because ''it's not good for you brain'', but proceed to jerk off to other women.

I also found conversations where he asked ChatGPT how to tell me he wanted to ask for other girls' phone numbers because he was starting to get female attention.

Then he asked how to bring up wanting to sleep with other women.

Then he asked whether it was legitimate to break up with me because he wanted to do that.

What's even harder to understand is that these conversations about flirting and fucking around happened in 2024, before he became a millionaire. So this wasn't about money changing him.

When I confronted him, he denied everything.

He said the porn was for work. He said they were just random thoughts. But how do you ask those kinds of questions and then come cuddle me and laugh with me that very same day?

For an entire month, I begged him to tell me the truth about the porn. He denied it over and over again. He even told me, "If you think I watch porn, then you have to leave."

A month later, I found even more proof. I found his search history. I saw too many things, and i saw some that were like "tiny chick" and "daddy's girl." Ever since then, I've been comparing myself to teenage-looking girls. I'm only 24 years old. I wear an XS or a small, yet I constantly feel sooo huge. I feel masculine. Every time I see someone who's very petite or younger-looking, I compare myself to her, and I end up feeling miserable. I feel so large, i feel so old too, like wtf. 

Then I confronted him with even more proof. He told me his friends were the ones sending him those things. I left because that explanation was absurd.

He reached out afterward and tried to win me back by asking me to go to Disney World and doing other grand gestures, but all I wanted was for him to tell me the truth. I wanted him to aknowlesge what he did wrong. I wanted him to stop lying.

After about three weeks, he finally opened up. He said, "I watched it 2 or 3 times, but I didn't know it was hurting you. I'll stop if you want me to."

But he still wasn't telling me the truth because it was clearly much more than two or three times. And he acted as if he hadn't watched me have panic attacks and break down in front of him for an entire month.

Then everything becomes kind of blurry. It was the worst time of my life, and I don't remember everything because it was so traumatizing.

I spent so many days crying, trying to have a talk, and him being stone cold, doing silent treament. 

I also have to add that he was spending almost all of his time on his laptop, saying he had to work, but he was actually playing video games and talking to his friends for hours. I sae that he wrote that he was working 2 hours per weeks. Whenever I asked him if we could just spend one evening together, he would tell me he didn't want to watch TV or do anything, as if there was nothing we could possibly do together. Yet he had no problem spending entire evenings gaming with his friends.

Around that time, he told me he was going on a trip to Italy, my dream destination, with his friends. Mind you, we had never traveled together. And now you want to go to one of the most romantic places in the world with your friends instead, the ones who you're putting first since a while now.

Then he told me they were planning to go to clubs.

Once again, this was so out of character compared to the person I thought I knew. In over six years together, he had never once wanted to go to a club. Now he suddenly wanted to go clubbing in Italy with a group of young, single guys who were also very lustful.

I completely freaked out. I had a panic attack.

While I was having that panic attack, he told me that flirting isn't cheating. He genuinely argued that if he flirted with women in clubs in Italy, it wouldn't count as cheating.

Then, after my panic attack was over, he asked me to go get him a fucking glass of water.....

I also have to mention that I'm a psychology student living on a student budget.

For his birthday, I wanted to make him feel special. The night before, after he went to bed, I stayed up cleaning and decorating our apartment so he would wake up to a surprise. I actually have a bit of a fear of balloons because they always seem to pop in my face, but I still did it because I wanted him to feel loved with what little money I had.

The next morning, all of his friends sent him expensive gifts. He looked at me and joked, "At least my friends give me gifts."

It really hurt because I had spent the whole night decorating and making everything special for him. I could never compete with the budget of successful businessmen.

Later that day, I wanted us to have dinner together. He pressured me to eat at 5:00 p.m., so I rushed home after class to cook because he's extremely rigid about his schedule. According to him, he has to eat at a certain time and go to bed at a certain time every single day.

Then, at 7:00 p.m., his friends sent him food. He ate it. Even though he had spent so much time telling me he would never eat after 5:30 p.m. He also stayed up late waiting for one of his friend's gifts to arrive, despite constantly telling me he had to be asleep by 8:00 p.m.

Later, I found out he watched porn that same day.

That really hurt.

Me seeing his history reaserch was the 16th of january. It was after his birthday.

So, after he kinda admit watching porn, it's kinda blurry.

We spent Valentine's Day together. It actually went okay, okay for someone who's feeling like she went to war.

Then, on February 17, I woke up and discovered that he had booked a trip to New Zealand. His flight was leaving that very day. I was completely shocked. I asked him, "When are you going on this trip with your friends?" He replied, "I don't know." I was thinking, What the fuck? You're literally leaving for the other side of the world today. How can you tell me you don't know?

Eventually, he admitted he was leaving that day. He said he hadn't wanted to tell me because he knew I would freak out. He was gone for about eight days. I didn't hear from him for about ten days. Then he texted me, "I'm back. I want to see you."

He told me he finally understood how I felt and that he wanted to make things better. Obviously, it didn't last.

Before he left, we had planned a trip to Disney World together.

Instead of being exciting, it turned into a nightmare. I was confused all the time, and he was both lustful and mean toward me. He criticized the way I dressed while openly checking out other women. After that, everything becomes blurry again.

Around April, he told me he was going to Italy in about a month. I was sad, but more than anything, I was insecure because of the way he had been acting over the previous months and how ready he seemed to be to let me go.

About two weeks before he left, something changed in me. I stopped fighting so hard. I just wanted peace. Ironically, that's when he became all over me. He would tell me, "With that tan, I don't want to leave." During sex, he talked about our connection, saying it felt like we were merging together. Then he left.

During the entire month he was gone, he called me only twice. Most of the time, he would take two days to reply to my messages.

When he came back, everything felt... weird. He didn't hug me or kiss me. He went straight to take a shower. Then he asked me to bring him something, only to show me that he had an erection. I smiled, but I didn't jump into it because I wanted to talk first. Instead, he acted as if nothing had happened. He sat down on the couch, opened his laptop, and carried on as though he had never been gone. I remember thinking, *What the fuck?* When I confronted him, he said something like, "I wouldn't normally tell you this, but you were texting weird."

Basically, he was saying I wasn't fun to text because I had become distant. As if I was supposed to be all loving and cheerful while he spent a month in my dream destination with younger, single guys, barely talking to me, telling me to leave if I wasn't happy with it. Honestly, I think he expected me to spend that whole month crying, missing him, and waiting for him. But that's not what happened. When he realized I was actually doing okay, his attitude completely changed. I know he missed me at first. He even texted me, "Love you." And trust me, these days, that's a huge deal because he almost never says it anymore.

But then his whole narrative changed once he realized I wasn't falling apart. When we talked about his trip, he told me that girls had asked him for his number. The thing is, he has "tested" me before by pretending girls had asked for his number just to see my reaction, only to later say he was joking. And remember, I had already found the conversations where he asked ChatGPT how to ask for other girls' phone numbers. So now I genuinely don't know whether those girls actually approached him or whether he approached them. Then he told me girls in bars kept coming up to him, and that instead of saying he had a girlfriend of six years, he would just say, "I'm seeing someone," because saying he had a girlfriend "killed the mood."

The next day, I asked him about porn again. I started by asking, "You're an honest guy, right?" He said yes. Then I asked him when the last time was that he had watched porn. He hesitated. After I kept insisting, he admitted it had been about a month and a half earlier. That hurt because he had promised me he would stop and told me I just had to trust him. He justified it by saying he was horny, that we had been fighting, that I wasn't available, and so on. Then another fight started. Every single time I try to talk about porn or anything serious, he immediately avoids the conversation.

I even told him I appreciated that he was finally telling me the truth, even though I knew it probably wasn't the full truth. I told him I simply didn't want porn in our relationship. That's when he told me he had all the money now.

He had freedom. He could do whatever he wanted. I was shocked. So I asked him, "It's porn or me?" He chose porn.

I felt completely crushed. Earlier that day, I had jokingly said something about looking sexy. His response was, "There were plenty of girls who looked like that in Italy." Like... seriously? Then he told me to leave. I wanted him to just tell me he didn't love me anymore because every other time he had told me to leave, he would text me afterward like nothing had happened and ask me to come back. I was tired of living in that confusion. Instead, he said, "I don't like you right now."

Then he said, "I hate you right now." I asked, "Since when?" He told me it had been since before his trip, and that he hadn't missed me while he was away. But... he had literally told me "I love you" and "I miss you." So I asked him, "Then you didn't love me last night when we had sex?" He smiled. Then he said, "It's complicated." He wouldn't tell me he didn't love me. But he also wouldn't tell me he did. Then he said, "Do I need to cheat on you? I'll just text another girl." That sentence has stayed with me ever since.

Now we can't even have a serious conversation anymore. The second I bring something up, he tells me to leave and says he hates me.

What's confusing is that when I don't bring up difficult topics, he's completely different. He talks about paying for my school. He talks about us having kids. He talks about our future. He says he's going to buy me a car. I catch him staring at me the way he used to. During sex, he always says something deeply emotional. He tells me he can't take his eyes off me, that I've put a spell on him, and he always talks about our connection. I know this probably sounds strange, but in those moments, I truly believe he means it. Then everything switches the moment I bring up something difficult.

Now I know it has to end. I just don't know how to do it. Every time I've left before, it felt like I was dying. It felt like part of me had been ripped away. I can't keep living like this. Staying hurts. Leaving somehow hurts even more. Every time I leave the apartment, all I can think about is him scrolling through porn or drooling over random girls online. I never get the chance to heal. I'll never understand the lack of empathy. I'll never understand how he could watch me suffer, refuse to tell me the truth, and still choose not to work on himself. I'll never understand how he could rather lose me than be honest. I don't understand how he can get turned on knowing he's betraying me every time. I know the easy answer is that maybe he just doesn't love me anymore. But I'm still so confused.

I honestly don't know if I can make it. It feels like staying is killing me. But leaving feels like it's killing me too. I know people say time heals. But I feel so unbelievably fragile right now. I don't think I can take much more. I don't know how I'm supposed to move back into my mom's basement, grieve the end of this relationship, perform well at school, and keep working at the same time. I don't want to move back there for many reasons. I know that probably sounds spoiled. But all I truly want is to be alone. I want to hibernate for a year. I want to stay in bed. I want to feel nothing. I want peace. I want somewhere quiet where I can grieve without constantly feeling overwhelmed. But I can't afford that. My money goes toward school, my car payment, and everything else. Even my room at my mom's reminds me of him. It reminds me of all the times I went back there after he told me to leave. It doesn't feel safe anymore. And I have nowhere else to go. I feel like I'm dying.

I also wonder, are all men like this? Is it actually possible to find someone who will provide and be a truly good man? I saw all those women saying you just have to chose one who will provide, is that it? I do fear leaving, and then, repeating this.

But, i can't help but thinking he's cheating, and i'll never know. It also kills me. I just feel sick. I dont know how i can make it.

Anyways, thank you if you read all of this.