Worried that Self destructive tendencies and my obsession with my boyfriends ex will lead to us breaking up

obbsessed with my boyfriends ex

Tl;Dr: I had an on and off friendship with my boyfriends ex who was extremely toxic to him, I kept this friendship with her even though I knew this. Even though she's cut off now it's still a strain on the relationship

for context all parties involved are 17.

My boyfriend and his ex dated for about 7 months and were best friends for a year, they broke up due to him realising he was trans and her being a lesbian.

The toxicity wasnt really as prominant during the relationship more so after when they decided to stay friends. she punched him on Halloween for saying he didnt know if he had a crush on me (whilst telling anyone who would listen how much of a fat whale i was), screamed at him from outside his house drunk whilst banging on the door and worst of all left him near blackout drunk on the floor whilst going through his phone to see if he was saying anything bad about her before calling his parents to pick him up.

Thankfully all she saw was him saying he wants nothing to do with her in college but that was enough for her to go no contact.

Anyway heres where it gets messy, i had no interest or care for being friends with this girl until she sat next to me in english a couple months later. This was convinently timed during the peak of my infatuation with my boyfriend(best friend at the time) and i was desperate to know if there was any hope of him liking me back. So, after ignoring her for some time we get to talking in lessons and eventually we land on the topic of my now boyfriend.

I knew it was bad and i did tell all my friends including him that we strictly spoke in class which was true but she started to become a big source of anxiety for me.

By May i had already confessed to my now boyfriend and he rejected me, i hate to think like this but im worried it was the catalyst of what happened after that. I had ran into her with my other friend after hanging out with my boyfriend just before he got on a plane to Italy, we took some photos and he saw them and it just broke him. I truly didnt know it would have hurt him but i did it anyway without thinking how he would feel, its still something we are working through now. She told me about how affectionate he was about how they cuddled all the time when they were just friends, about holding hands under blankets and first kisses. He always sat so far from me when we were friends and abruptly moved his arm or leg away when we got to close in his room or in the treehouse. I felt childish for being so hurt, i knew he didnt owe me anything but it still hurt. I knew if i was prettier it would be different. anyway!

So that was the first time i decided to cut her off, i recognised that she was putting a strain on our friendship and as much as i hated people hating me i went no contact...for like three months.

The second time was after i realised if i didnt have her close i felt like i was losing control. As well as this me and my boyfriends friendship was very co-dependent and this was during a time where we both werent feeling good being friends due to lots of bad communication and tension between us, i felt like i had cut her off for a guy who couldnt give less of a shit about me (very false).

The third and final time was when we had started college and my boyfriend finally got on the "we should explore more romantic relationship" train. I realised that having her around was only for my own ego trip, getting her back for those times in english she insisted he acted differnetly when he actually has a crush and that he liked her from very early on in their friendship, or for when she called me a fat whale insinuating i was too big for him to possibly love me. It felt great having her around especially when she told me about her past with him because it stung, in a good way? Like i wanted her to keep saying things to make me jealous?? Idk.

But i cut her off in the stupidest and arguably funniest way possible, this time because i got what i wanted out of her right? My boyfriend was starting to reciprocate feelings for me, i was already insecure enough to keep her at the forefront of my mind i didnt need her around physically anymore. This cut off was for all the times she hurt him, this one was the one i really meant...until a couple months later when she found my ed account.

Between the third cut off and her finding the Ed account i was quite proud of myself, yeah sure i stared at her everyday i saw her and watched as she spoke to her friends or the teacher and i also searched for old tweets my bf made about her BUT i wasnt directly SPEAKING to her. So when she found the account we mainly spoke about recovery and my mental health, made a few jokes about how often this happens and toxic yuri (without the romantic part obviously) and i made sure she wouldnt tell anyone. Obviously, i told my boyfriend and he was so understanding. He was mainly conserned about my health and that id been hiding it for so long which is what i needed, but whilst writing this story i came to realise that he had become numb to me talking to this ex. He just sighed.

Now we are "civil" because we sit on the same table in history, im telling myself i moved because of my racist fucking 'friends' but im worried part of me only cut them off so i would have an excuse to sit there? I know that isnt true though because as soon as the new school year starts im sitting else where. Im doing so because i want to end the cycle, its become something my boyfriend just expects from me now hes hurting and feels like i cant choose him over her. Over my anxiety, over my unresolved retroactive jealousy and my attempt at controlling these feelings. There is nothing special about this girl other than she had the privledge of knowing the amazing guy im dating before i did.