Struggling with ROCD and health OCD

Hi, I’m having a bad OCD flare up today and I needed to vent and maybe get some advice. I’m 25 years old (F), I’m from Belgium and I’m a therapist.

As long as I remember, I’ve always struggled with OCD, on and off throughout the years, when I was little it was mainly harm OCD. I got bullied pretty hard when I was 10-11 years old and a second time in my last year of high school. When I was 15 year old I was in a abusive relationship, my ex gaslighted me our whole relationship (2 years ish), financially, emotionally and sexually abused me. Throughout our relationship I was always questioning our relationship, at that time I was thinking it was ROCD, in perspective I think it was also my survival instinct.

In addition to that whole traumatic upbringing, my dad was diagnosed with bipolar type one in 2014 and I’ve watched him become a shell of himself and become more and more abusive towards myself. My dad was always really physically abusive but things escalated with his illness. I’ve also struggled my whole childhood with undiagnosed autism and adhd.

That’s for the context, now for the main topic, I’ve been with my partner since seven years, the guy is my literal soulmate and safe place, we live together, things are really good. But seven months ago, my brother made a joke that my partner was balding (he has a full head of hair, I’m not seeking reassurance by saying that but it show how much my reasoning is dumb), since this joke, I’m constantly checking his hairs, comparing old pictures, and so on. When my brother made this joke I had the intrusive thought « you are a superficial bitch, if he ended up losing his hair you would leave him » (my ex made me believe in this kind of thing). A few months ago my OCD was at his peak and I was constantly using AI to seek reassurance and do more compulsion, at the moment I’ve stopped to do that, but today was … rough. I was constantly checking, this led me to a shutdown. My partner is a gem and is very understanding and caring but I’m feeling like the worse partner ever and I’m so afraid that he will leave.

My job is also making me feel shameful because I know how OCD work, I know what you should and shouldn’t do, I know the OCD cycle and even with all that, I’m really struggling.

Feel free to ask questions, all advice are well appreciated