I've been daydreaming about re-entering college as a graduate student.

I've been out of school for seven years. I spent some number of years living away from my family for my health, but then I had to come back for my health. Living on my own had been my dream since before I was in college. But now that I've gotten to live it, it's not as satisfying as I had imagined it to be. Though I had a steady source of income, it came from a dead-end office job that didn't require much if anything from me. It was a minimum wage job, and I still felt like I had more money than I knew what to do with. I had a place of my own for the first time in my life, to be sure, but I still wasn't satisfied. I'm not too sure if having more money would make me happy. I just want something meaningful to do with my life.

I've been missing learning lately. I miss writing proofs. I miss coming to realizations. I miss explaining my realizations. I just miss being in academia. Even though I was aimless back in my undergraduate career, having no idea what I wanted to do with my post-college life and becoming less emotionally stable whenever the topic was broached, I miss being a student. I still don't know what specifically to study. I still have a whole host of issues. Sometimes I fancy myself an autodidact; sometimes I like believing that enrolling as a graduate student fits into that somehow.

But I have to wonder if it's even a good idea at this point in my life. It took me longer than usual to get my BS in Mathematics because I was suffering from an illness back then, not to mention working a job on the side. I'm still suffering from that illness. It made it hard to concentrate properly. By the second-to-last semester of my undergraduate career, I was burnt out. I have good reason to believe it might happen again. I also lack the funds to return to school. Whenever I got either frustrated or anxious, my focus and ability to perform in school were hindered greatly. Right now, I'm taking online courses in copyediting and web development. I can't help but feel like they're both so very tedious. I can't help but feel like I'm enchained to these classes. This makes me wonder if I'll feel the same way if I choose to become a graduate student. Right now, I'm not sure if it is the right path for me; it still doesn't keep me from missing school, though.

I still have flashbacks to the only member of my support network pressuring me to do well in life and find work, giving me really bad anxiety in the process; she makes me want to curl up, hide, and not deal with any of this. I'm not happy. Sometimes I wish I could be a kid again and not have to deal with any of these career troubles. Sometimes I wish I could return to the days when I was a dreamy-eyed kid fantasizing about what career I'd like to pursue, instead of being confronted with the obligation of choosing.

I feel like life is hell sometimes; I'm never able to feel happy. I'm rarely able to feel anything. Mornings are the worst for me. It takes tremendous effort for me to get up and do anything these days. The only time of the day when I can concentrate is at night, when there isn't a possibility of anyone disturbing me and disrupting my alone time. For the rest of the day, I'm just anxious all the time, tired, and sick of life.