biggest low since living in abuse / neglect

hi, pardon the dissonance of my username and this post— im talking about depression and loss of friends in times of crisis and the aftermath. just need to vent and hear any support or encouragement.

i’m 23 and was dx ASD level 1 four years ago. i am in a state i only knew when i was 17 and younger. the difference this time is i have classic depression opposed to high functioning and crying myself to sleep / behind the scene depression. i since have started and restarted mental health meds, though i really feel that my situation is what is so depressing to me. these new symptoms like not having the motivation to leave bed, barely eating or over eating low effort foods only, ordering takeout i truly cannot afford without caring, pills to sleep all day, smoking too much weed, crying when trying to journal or tell someone how i feel. i was in therapy consistently until a couple months ago when my therapist told me she can only recommend residential or full time program care for me. we worked together for two years and it feels like she gave up on me and my ability to live independently without family. my best friend then told me she didn’t want to be friends when i was in the hospital for a kidney infection within a week of my therapist telling me. her reasoning was that i always remind her how hard her own life is and she can’t handle hearing me having a hard time (mind you, i was very sensitive to only mentioning things like “im having a hard time with xyz right now but im hanging in there” when she asked how i was and then replying more to her answer). i think this part with my friend really took me down. i don’t trust that i can tell people what is going on anymore because i was so careful with her and was truly struggling more than i ever have (had sepsis & was depressed in the pain i had from it for two months prior). i am scared i wont get out of this depression and my life will never be the same and that ill never have friends again. i keep loosing them all somehow. i try so hard but just cant keep up or understand what they mean and try to decipher. i’m sorry for being so whiny and depressive. i wish i could talk about this with more ease and class its just i break down in tears every time im reminded. i am burnt out from my passion career / trade i learned and feel so useless. i truly feel there isnt a place that accepts me as i am and wants me close to them whether thats a job, school, friend group. i just feel i keep making mistakes in all these areas but the mistakes are usually from not understanding the situation. thank you for reading and for your patience and kindness. i am trying my best