Painful memories

My husband and I are estranged from his parents.

He was emotionally neglected as a kid to put it simply.

It was always a tricky relationship we both had with them but we were a family and made the effort.

When it came to adopting our twin daughters everything went really bad between us. We tried for a further 3 years before he decided to cut off communication fully (I still have tenuous contact with MIL)

We went on holiday with them in August 2021. We knew our girls were going to be ours and our stars were lining up. We had several meetings and knew quite a bit about them now. On the holiday in laws avoided speaking about it at all. If we brought it up with husband's siblings his parents got up and left the room. We confronted them about it gently one morning saying we really want to update you where we are with adoption. We were so excited. We had a horrific journey of infertility beforehand. Finished fertility treatment before we needed to because we just wanted to adopt. They knew all this.

Anyways. They went cold and weird I'm this conversation and it blew up into an argument with FIL saying deeply hurtful things such as, "we never asked for this". Referring to us adopting.

Move forward a few months and our beautiful 16 month old girlies are home. Husbands family live 3&1/2 hours away. We wanted to video call them because we couldn't send photos of their faces yet until legal adoption was confirmed (UK rules). So we wanted to video call so they could see their adorable faces of their new grandchildren. Finally there was a convenient date. MIL was on the video call. We asked where FIL was and heard him in the background. MIL asked if he wanted to come and see and he said, no I'm too busy cooking lunch.

We were hurt so deeply. Thank goodness our girls were too young to remember that moment.

We kept the call calm and amicable because our girls were there. After husband text and said how hurt we were that their grandad didn't want to meet them/see their little faces.

Well both in laws blew up saying they felt they couldn't do anything right. FIL said he needed to be more respected. They just flipped.

We tried and tried but it was when we were having some therapy she said how toxic it was with the in laws and then husband decided enough was enough and his anxiety has been so much better since.

Recently had a text from MIL saying she is missing getting to know the girls. This is probably the first time she has explicitly said this in 2 years of no contact with her son.

I try and let these things go but it hurts so deeply still.

I enjoyed spending time with them even though it was challenging. But I can't have that possibly toxic ways around my children. It's such a shame they cannot just speak openly and honestly about things. They never have said what their issue with adoption is. Never. But they have been so awkward about it.

I dread the conversations I will have with my adult daughters about them. How is one honest without causing more trauma.