How do you rebuild sexual closeness when your spouse only wants it if it feels spontaneous?

Married eight years, two young kids. My husband and I get along fine as partners and parents, but our physical connection has been stuck in a frustrating loop for a long time.

I want to work on intimacy intentionally again. I mean not just sex, but more touching, flirting, feeling desired. He says he wants that too, but he only seems up for sex if it happens "naturally." If I try to plan anything, even something small like suggesting we go to bed at the same time, he shuts down and says it makes him feel pressured, like he is being scheduled.

The problem is that when we do not plan anything, it almost never happens. Nights are chaotic, someone is always tired, and we default to phones and sleep. Then months go by and we both feel disconnected. When I bring it up he says he misses it but he does not want it to become a chore.

I do not want duty sex, and I do not want to be the only one carrying this and feeling rejected. I am trying to respect his feelings and consent, but waiting for some magical spontaneous mood has not worked for years and I am burned out.

For couples who have gotten past this, what actually helped? Is there a middle ground between scheduling everything and relying on a mood that never shows up? How do you talk about this without it turning into defensiveness or guilt?