How do you rebuild a marriage when life has been “on hold” for years? 30F 37M

(Used ChatGPT for cohesive flow)

30F, 37M, married for 6 years. Looking for advice on whether this marriage can improve or if we’re missing something.
Before marriage, our intimacy was healthy. We were in a long-distance relationship for two years, meeting about once a month, and we never had issues with our sex life.

Some financial background because it’s relevant:
My husband owned a business before we started dating and earned significantly more than I did. He usually paid for dates and gifts, but I always contributed whatever I could. If he bought me something expensive, I’d save up to do the same for him. It always felt like we were equal partners despite the income difference.
Around the time we got married, COVID hit and his business suffered badly. Since then, I’ve taken over the day-to-day financial responsibilities for our household. I have never criticized him or made him feel inadequate because I genuinely trust his abilities and know this is temporary.
He already owns our home, cars, and has investments that secure our long-term future. I currently pay for our lifestyle—groceries, gas, bills, repairs, shopping, vacations, date nights, and everyday expenses. His business is expected to generate a stable income within the next six months, so we’re financially optimistic and are planning to start trying for a baby around then.

**The problem is our relationship, not our finances.**
Since getting married, our sex life has been inconsistent because of several factors:
He lost both a loved one and his business around the same time, which understandably caused grief, stress, and later hormonal issues.
I struggled living in a toxic joint family with his parents. We continue to live with them because he doesn’t want to move out, and dealing with the constant emotional and mental stress from my in-laws has taken a huge toll on me. He has often found himself trying to balance both sides.
I was diagnosed with PCOS and dealt with my own hormonal and health issues.
I’ve also been carrying the primary financial responsibility throughout our marriage.

Every few months we’d have a conversation about how we should be having sex more often. Things would improve briefly, then we’d fall back into the same pattern.
Right now, we’re having sex only 4–5 times a year, and some years it’s been as little as twice.

To be fair, earlier in the marriage he initiated more than I did. But because of the family situation, my own stress, and sometimes practical issues like wanting to shower first, I often wasn’t emotionally ready. After spending the whole day stressing about family, intimacy didn’t come naturally at night.
Other times I wanted intimacy but didn’t initiate because he already seemed overwhelmed or because our home environment killed any desire.
At one point I even told him that after going so long without sex, his body almost felt unfamiliar to me. When your relationship revolves around discussing problems, finances, family issues, and responsibilities, it’s difficult to suddenly feel romantic.

Two months ago we had another conversation about improving our intimacy. This time I made a genuine effort and started initiating several times a week, even when I didn’t necessarily feel ready. Every single attempt was turned down.
Eventually I became angry because I felt like I was making myself vulnerable while he wasn’t meeting me halfway.
I told him that with our plan to start trying for a baby in six months, we should be rebuilding our intimacy now—not just for conception, but because life with a newborn will only make things harder.
His response surprised me.
He said sex shouldn’t be the most important thing and that I should appreciate how attentive and caring he is throughout the day.
The problem is that our definitions of attentiveness are very different.
To him, attentiveness means bringing me breakfast, helping with chores, or taking me out on weekends because I need a break from working from home.
What I miss is affection.
I have had to ask for cuddles or quality time most of the time. His explanation is that I’m busy working during the day and he doesn’t want to disturb me, even though I’ve repeatedly told him I’d happily make time if he initiated.
Another reason he gives is that we’re together all day anyway, so he doesn’t know what else there is to do or talk about because we already know everything about each other’s lives.
The biggest reason, according to him, is still financial stress. He says he can’t truly relax until he’s earning again.
I’ve told him repeatedly that I don’t care whether we’re spending “my” money or “his” money. I don’t even think of it that way.
What hurts me is that he almost never initiates anything.
He rarely suggests date nights, picks a restaurant, plans an activity, or even decides what we’d eat. It’s almost always me planning everything.
He says he’ll be more willing once his income returns.
But I keep telling him we can’t postpone our relationship until then. His business will recover eventually, but what if our marriage doesn’t?

I’m not resentful because I’m paying for our lifestyle. I willingly do that, and I believe we’re a team. What hurts is that our financial situation is one of the reason he gives for not initiating dates, experiences, affection, or intimacy. I don’t care whose money pays for dinner or a weekend outing. I just want him to plan something because he wants to spend time with me.

He also compliments me far less than he used to. And when he does, they often feel obligatory rather than genuine.

I don’t think what I’m asking for is unreasonable.
I want him to say things like:
“Let’s try that new restaurant this weekend.”
“I saw this experience online. Want to go together?”
“Can we cuddle? I miss you.”

I don’t need expensive gestures. I don’t care whose money pays for them.
I just want to feel chosen.
I want him to initiate quality time because he wants to spend time with me, not because I reminded him.
I want us to become affectionate again instead of simply functioning as responsible adults sharing a household.

Lately, I’ve started wondering whether he even loves me the way he used to, because almost everything happens only after I ask. Every reason feels like another excuse. It’s always family, money, or stress. Forget sex—even cuddling, kissing, planning a date, or spending intentional time together seems to have a reason why he cant initiate. That uncertainty has slowly turned into resentment.

I’m more irritable than I used to be, and I know he notices that I get upset over small things. But I don’t think he understands that it’s years of accumulated hurt from living with toxic in-laws, carrying the emotional burden that comes with that, feeling emotionally neglected, having to be the one who initiates almost every date, cuddle, conversation about intimacy, and also carrying our day-to-day finances. I’ve never complained about supporting us financially, but I do feel inadequate when he treats our current finances as a reason we can’t nurture our relationship—as though what I’m contributing isn’t enough to allow us to simply enjoy being husband and wife.

I love my husband.
I don’t want to leave this marriage.
I genuinely want us to become a loving couple again instead of just good partners managing life together.

**TL;DR:** We’ve dealt with grief, family problems, financial stress, hormonal issues, and a nearly nonexistent sex life since marriage. My biggest issue isn’t just the lack of sex—it’s the lack of affection, initiative, romance, and emotional intimacy over the years. I’m also struggling with the emotional toll of living with toxic in-laws because my husband doesn’t want to live separately. I don’t resent financially supporting us; I resent feeling like finances are used as the reason our relationship is always put on hold. My husband says he’ll feel better once his finances improve, while I believe we can’t keep postponing our marriage until then. Is this something that can realistically be rebuilt, and if so, how?