Tired of Being a good guy

I am tired of being a good guy. Since childhood, my parents and family members told me if I am good then I will get everything except I never got the things. And when they gave me something they told me they gave it to me as a gift despite me being bad or not fulfilling expectations. When I never got things I wanted, I was blamed.

So I became obsessed with doing things right from childhood. I always tried to hide mistakes and overthinked a lot before doing something. The idea of failure or messing up terrified me. So i asked others whats the right away consumed info for days or weeks sometimes. Still now, whenever i went out or do something, i imagine the scenario again and again in my head to find the right way to do things. And if i miss the right way, I self loathe myself all the year.

Also I always play safe. I never argue with anybody or negotiate. I hate negotiations or direct confronting because I think it might lead to fights. And I hate fights. In childhood, I never protested my friends bullying me or touching me inappropriately. And now in my University, I have to walk with so much caution. And if one of my classmates go to fights, I despite those classmates.

I also anticipate future events all the time and try to do things perfectly. I anticipate the future failures and then try fixing it in my mind. Especially before going to a new place or event.

And I always avoid fights even when It's necessary. I never confront the person on the otherside who is trying to exploit me. In childhood, it was local vendors who try to exploit money. In college, it was teachers with whom I was afriad to rock the boat. Now, in University, I try not yo rock the boat with seniors, faculty members, and my classmates.

I also try hard to be charming and helpful to everyone especially girls. I try to help them even though they dont want help. I try to reply instantly to their messages even though I am busy or reschedule all my tasks just to speak to them. I miss my gyms all time to make time for friends whom I dont wanna speak to. And also i avoid chores just to look cool.

I always try to never be a moments problem to my parent's or any other person. It's horrifying for me. And accidentally if I become a problem, I try to apologise for it all years. I dont want to accept the fact that It's okay and human to be a problem and if i become a problem its doesn’t mean I am bad. It's just life circumstances.

I also use covert contracts. I spend money on my friends in hope to gain approaval from them and think they will also spend money on me and we both be giving each other validation. Same for girls. I expect to take attention and effort in exchange of effort and caretaking.

I always try to control the situation. If it becomes unpredictable then it says I am a bad guy so it got out of my control and I am worthless. I also try to manipulate my family, friends and girls to make them believe I am superior and good, and they should give me my needs met. But i know It's a inaccurate mentality. And i should never manipulate someone and let them explore me instead.

I always try to please others. From my childhood conditioning, I believe at my core that I am a bad, valueless and unworthy individual and if i dont show to people my value or usefulness then they may realize my core truth and abandon me. So I try to please all of them by complimenting them, trying to convince them I am not like others and I am perfect for them.

I also withhold information about myself. I dont tell them I never got a girlfriend and I watch porn or I got GPA 4.42. Even I lie to them about my financial situation.

I repress my feelings also. I dont express anger, rage, or love. I try to be detached and emotionless in public.

I also make sure people dont have any negative feelings about me.

I try hard to avoid problems and difficult situations. I always escape them.