did my bf rape me…?

please help me. i’m really confused and disregulated and i need help determining if this was SA. i may have a course of action if i can confirm my best friend’s definition of the event, and i NEED closure. theres a lot of relationship context + recent events leading up that i’ll add at the bottom, but this is going to be long so you can skip that if you want.

Important / SA part:

when he came home from a 5 day renegade/edm fest (HUGE conflict around this) he hugged me and when i replied like “um nothing has changed dude. i’m pissed the fuck off”. i was still incredibly mad at him for something he’d just done that i’ve summarized at the end. he should’ve known by my texts threatening to break up with him.

he changed his tone to a snappy, cold or mean one and told me i had no reason to be upset and to cut it out. things were only calm-ish if i played along with things being normal, but if my tone got to be upsetting he snapped at me again.

awhile later, he laid down exhausted and started feeling me up. i said no at first but eventually reacted physically. i refused to kiss him or let my face close to his. he had grabbed me very aggressively, in a way that if i felt comfortable with him and trusted him emotionally would have been okay, but it was incredibly sudden and out of character. i don’t think he’s ever been *that* firm or rough before. it was possessive dominant and his fingers dug into my muscles and wrapped around around my hip bones.

he kept pulling me in for a kiss and i refused and pushed back- he smelled like blood and ketamine and dust from the festival and i was part repulsed part rebelling to show him i was serious about how upset and done i was. i’d threatened to break up with him over text after he left and all he said was “wish u didn’t feel that way”?? i was still trying to hold onto that and not slip into fawning. he kept trying to kiss me, at one point sort of dom style demanding i kiss him, and got more commanding until i had this terrifying age regression thing happen.

i got so nauseous i thought i might throw up. all the air left my lungs. i went limp, like i was being pinned down in my body, and my consciousness shifted almost completely into that of a 4yr old me. when this happened he held me and asked what was wrong, why i couldn’t breathe, and i felt no comfort. but then he continued. eventually, i’d respond physically for a few seconds before this happened all over again. i finally let him kiss me and had the same bodily reaction. after multiple rounds of this he passed out whenever i stopped. like in a split second he started snoring. i would start grinding on him or touching him where he’d out my hand again because i wanted.. affection? attention? and he’d immediately wake up. i never vocalized what was happening but it was obvious. i rolled over and took two klonopin and fucking zofran for gods sake.

this happened multiple times before i said “do it”. he immediately got up fully awake and fucked me very roughly. commands and all that as well.

the next day we had sex again when i woke up. i’m always upset at the complete lack of aftercare and this morning was no different. i smoked some weed and got ready for work. in the shower, i suddenly *remembered* how fucking mad i’d been at him 24 hours ago. the closer it gotten to when i assumed he’d be home (his phone was still dead or off) my mood split between “fuck him” and “please come home, please comfort me”, which is a trauma response i need to work on. i guess i just like.. forgot?

i’d wanted to fucking kill him for days (not literally….) and the next time i interacted with him we had sex. i had this intense bodily sensation of being completely drained of my lifeforce all at once, intense dull pressure in my lower abdomen where the nausea came from. i had this unshakable visual in my mind of a vampire as he.. more roughly than passionately kissed my neck. i had a nearly audible internal scream that my body reacted to as if i were doing it aloud, and then immediately started sobbing. i recognized the depersonalization creeping in and made a conscious decision to let whatever part was most suited to keep me safe take center stage (it was a caregiving figure that talked me through everything very kindly). i was in a semi good mood…?

later at work i went to the bathroom when i remembered what happened. i started bawling in the stall. i got my face together enough to run to my bosses empty office, and had what was similar to a panic attack but instead of hyperventilating i was sobbing uncontrollably. i looked at my face on my phone camera and it was stuck in what looked like the face of a child frozen horror. i felt pinned down inside my body, trapped. my mind was mostly aligned with a younger me, my thoughts weren’t adult or grounded in reality. i was split between rage and fear and confusion. i was vaguely aware that this severe of a response has only ever happened when i had my first PTSD flashback- a full blown one that went beyond an emotional flashback, after being raped, and after finding out that my now ex was a genuine sexual predator and had been doing evil criminal shit to me and my friends and strangers + had groomed a teenage girl.

Context:

so recently he came home from a fest. he’d left without me and without saying anything, was non chalant in his texts while i raged and told him it was unacceptable for me and more, serious stuff. he went to stay at his dealer/user friend’s house then left for the fest. only gave me short nonchalant replies, then ghosted me for two days. i was enraged, healthy or not. i wanted to hex him i was so furious, i knew he was going to get high and worried about cheating. plus he left while my cats were having a medical emergency that he entirely dismissed as “my fault and not his responsibility”.

my bf is an addict, and i’m certain he’s relapsed. or, has been relapsing. i know he did a about two months or so ago because he wanted to stay up late and finally admitted to and offered to share with me because he couldn’t hide all the bathroom trips anymore and wanted to test how okay i was with using with him again.

when he came back into my life he was on a severe ketamine bender that had him extremely manic and delusional and 100% was going to lead to death by suicide or OD/literal fucking heart condition complications, or inpatient and forced detox. he asked me to support him in trying to go to rehab, and it was all performative. i was there for him while he consumed ounces of ketamine for four months while pushing off rehab. i talked him off the ledge and held him while he sobbed erratically half the time he used. i monitored him through non fatal OD’s. i went through such hell that i still strain my ears when he goes to the bathroom to listen for snorting and am always paranoid that he’s on something again.

not only has he gone out of town for shows without me and held minimal contact, but he comes back very “up” and chatty and pretty quickly transitions to extremely tired, and then volatile for days or more. making accusations and going through my personal items or followers. accusing me of having done drugs and implying or presenting “evidence” that i’d cheated. he starts fights and says incredibly disrespectful stuff and refuses to acknowledge it beyond a surface level to appease me. stuffy nose, puffy eyes, etc, you get it.

i haven’t felt comfortable with physical affection or really sex in a very long time. we still do it because sometimes i want to.. fulfill my needs lol, and sometimes i just want attention. but he also has a pattern of turning back any issue or feeling or problem i try to address by saying i don’t give him enough physical affection. i have chronic pain and stand on my feet all day so i ask for back rubs a lot and when he came back into my life he would give me full body massages regularly, with intention and presence. once we moved in he started complaining about it and now he refuses more than half the time, except for the “trying” to be nice phase after a fight or blow up.

when we moved in together he quickly derailed into a long period of being very emotionally and verbally abusive with one instance where he *sort of* got physical with me(?). i found proof that he was using at the time, and even without it, this was how he’d acted when he ran out of ket before rehab.

i was having a POTS episode and he ignored me to play video games, when i asked for help he said “wtf am i supposed to do” and “it’s your disorder” and kept playing video games, until i finally snapped at him about being shitty when i was close to fainting on the third day of my new job.

he pushed his way into the bathroom where i was in a towel on the floor slumped against the door while i shouted “get out” and told me to give him my hand (getting up quickly could cause me to faint and i was scared and mad anyway). i kept shouting no get out louder and louder. so he grabbed my wrist and pulled/squeezed hard enough to hurt me (it hurt my skin but i have post-lyme and EDS as well so my joints can slip out of place and get inflamed very easily) while i progressed into screaming no and let go of me until he realized how it looked and left the house.

recently he’s randomly brought up my paychecks and joining finances (he’s on disability and i make around 3x more than him a month- if i didn’t get paid we wouldn’t have food, my car, or any household items), has joked that i’m his wife, has compared me to the ex he was in an abusive relationship with after working me up by being dismissive and mean and DARVO, and has made more jokes about physical violence than feels comfortable (we’ve honestly had a kinda fucked sense of humor due to the things we’ve been through in the 13 years we’ve known each other). this just concerns me because of all the other warning signs.

was this SA? i’m trying to leave but it’s hard. i know he’s emotionally abusive and the gaslighting has gotten wore and worse, especially after him leaving for the fest and another very important show that we’d planned to go to together before he suddenly forbid me from going and revoked my guest list. but i’ve been thinking in the back of my mind that i wished he’d do something physical so i would KNOW, but i meant a shove or something. he has a history of an extremely volatile two way abusive relationship where he did get physical. but if this was SA, thats… i genuinely never imagined he was capable of that.