Scallops and mashed potatoes. 

I was laid off in May from my research job. Decent job overall, but still upsetting and scary. Job searched for a month and a half and landed a verbal offer mid June for a competitive research position at an Ivy League. The lab loved me and I was stoked. I thought this was my big breakthrough.

Except my offer was pulled (I know I technically never got an official offer, but roll with it please) - when my would be manager sent my materials to HR, they wrote back that I didn’t meet the minimum YOE, and that they were unable to extend an offer. 

Yes, I was devastated. Like severely depressed and grieving. I still am upset over how cruel this whole ordeal seemed in that I nearly made it to the finish line and the opportunity was ripped away from bureaucrats that don’t even know who I am beyond my resume. 

I got over it for the most part now, a month later, but I’m still in the trenches. Landed a couple interviews since, made it to the final round in both, but didn’t land either role. I’m so mad at myself because these are positions I’m very qualified for. Why can’t I fucking pull it together???? I’ve practiced days on end for each interview and I still can’t fucking get past the final stage. I even had one org do a reference check, then reject me after. I highly doubt my references are going against me. 

I’ll have to move back in with my parents next month if I don’t find something, which I don’t mind too much because I love my parents, but I had plans to move out on my own in September. And here I am back at square one, submitting applications for what feels like eternity. Im even applying for simple desk jobs that I am way overqualified for because I’m desperate for work and it’s so fucking unfair and demoralizing because I know I’m capable of SO MUCH MORE. I want to cry and punch something and give up. 

I’m not confident I’ll land another research position as good as the Ivy League one. I’m not even confident I’ll land a mediocre desk job because nothing seems to be working out. My life got completely derailed in the span of the most emotionally turbulent 3 months, and I don’t know what to make of it. Why me? Why is this happening? I’m honestly surprised I’m doing okay for the most part, during the day at least. keeping my chin up and working hard applying to jobs and connecting with others for career growth. But at 3am I find myself ruminating over how fucked up all of this is. I hate my life right now. It shouldn’t be this way. This isn’t how things were supposed to go. It’s so unfair and I don’t know how much longer I can take this. 

Mad at the world and my circumstances