Hi everyone. This is my first post here and I would love some honest opinions on how to navigate this.

Long story short: I (27F) have been with my partner (29M) for a year. A few months ago I lost my job right around the same time we started living together. Its not that I cant find a new job, its that bureaucratic issues forced me to stop working temporarily, and I still dont know when I will be able to go back. Maybe 2 months, maybe 4.

He immediately told me not to worry, that while I sorted things out he would take care of most things. I try to show my gratitude for that every day, cooking, keeping the house clean, being his support, all of it. We dont pay rent since the apartment belongs to his family, and he has a good job, so financially we are fine. We spend very little. But I grew up learning to be very independent, and it is hard for me to feel at peace relying on someone else like this. I think the 3 months without work are starting to weigh on me. Being alone for many hours, feeling like a burden even when he tells me I am not, and some days the anxiety is so bad I dont know how to function and it makes everything worse. Its like a snake eating its own tail.

And I love him with all my soul. But sometimes my “lizard brain” (thats what we call intrusive thoughts between us) tells me that if I keep being not okay, not happy, for too long, at some point he will start wondering why he is even with me, since we are just two people who fell in love and chose each other and now are building a life together. But that… I could do with literally anyone (🦎🧠).

Still, we want a life together, we talk about the future a lot, and I have never wanted anything like this before. I dont think I have ever been this scared of messing something up. I have been in a couple of serious relationships before, plenty of learning and growth, especially with my ex, who I even lived with. But this one feels like the first real one, because his longest relationship before me was basically kids hiding half of it from everyone, and another one was long distance where they only saw each other twice for a few days each time. I am not saying he hasnt learned from those, but I feel like it is not the same, and it shows day to day. Everyone has their own timeline and that is okay. I love him and I would not trade what we have for anything. I accept him as he is, with everything he has lived through.

Part of why I am this on edge lately is that my nervous system has been in constant alert mode for months because of these issues (which only really involve me, and him indirectly as my partner, but I am the one carrying the weight of it). That state does not just switch off. For example, I got good news recently, but the alert state doesnt turn off just because the news is good. Sometimes when the real threat finally goes down, the body suddenly releases all the built up tension at once, and that release is what shows up as this anxiety, not as relief. I have been in therapy for 2 years and I am still going, but it is hard some days, especially when things are out of my control and old patterns start creeping back in.

So here is what I actually want advice on: how do I feel like a good partner right now, when I have no job and no income and he is carrying so much of the weight? How do I calm my own overthinking down without spiraling into “why is he even with me” territory? I know it has to do with self confidence too but lately my personal problems are bringing me down like crazy and its affecting me too much. Scared it might affect into my relationship. Any advice from people who have been through something similar would mean a lot.

Ps. I know this is still early in the relationship and there is a loooot of road ahead. Lizard brain ✨🦎 is sorry for how much text this turned into, and my normal brain says thank you for reading all the way through. 

Pic: not dinner but DESSERT after dinner! Tiramisu!!! Fav thing ever. 

\[“Reposting” (splitting a huge post into two)\]

Unemployed, anxious and bc of that scared of my relationship