Two years single and still not sure how much of this is me

Most of what I see on here about dating and recovery is from men, and honestly it makes me feel a bit invisible sometimes, like this part of it isn't supposed to be a "woman's problem" too. Well for me, it is. I've been single for over two years, and dating hasn't been easy.

Went on a date recently. Felt good in a way I haven't in a while, let myself hope a little. The next day he said he text saying didn't feel attraction.

And the thing is, some quiet part of me wasn't even surprised. Addiction spent years telling me I wasn't really worth wanting, just worth using for fifteen minutes at a time, and some of that never fully left, even a year and a half into recovery. I already think I'm not attractive most days. I know my depression makes me flat sometimes, harder to be around, and I've started to just assume that's what people see, before they even get the chance to see anything else.

So when he said that, it didn't feel like new information. It felt like confirmation of something addiction had been telling me the whole time.

I know, logically, one person not feeling a spark isn't a verdict on my worth. But logic doesn't always reach the part of me that still hears that old voice, the one that never really thought I deserved to be chosen by anyone real. Some days I don't know how much of this is the depression talking, how much is old addiction shame, and how much is just true.