AITA for thinking about ending my relationship (I'm M-19, she's F-19)

Me and my girlfriend have been together for almost two years now. It'll be two years this November. We met in college, but I recently moved back home because of some personal issues. She's still at college, although she and a couple of my friends recently came to visit me, and things felt normal while they were here.

The distance, along with not having many people around to talk to, has given me a lot of time to reflect on our relationship.

We both come from pretty messed up families, and I think a lot of what initially brought us together was the fact that we understood each other's trauma. Over time, though, I've realized that despite sharing similar experiences, we want very different things out of life.

She has always said she doesn't want to get married. She wants to work in a fast-paced city for a while and eventually move somewhere quieter where it can just be the two of us. I, on the other hand, want to marry her within the next few years, and I want children someday. Those are things that are important to me, while marriage and kids are dealbreakers for her.

Recently, we had a conversation about all of this, and she told me something that has been weighing on me. She said she feels like she has to change who she is as a person in order for this relationship to work and to be there for me. She also said she feels like I haven't been able to be there for her in the way she needs.

She asked me whether I've ever noticed when she's awake crying at 3 A.M. or checked on her during those moments. I told her that I had. I reminded her of a night when I hugged her while she was crying, but she pushed me away. I respected that because she'd always told me she wanted space when she was overwhelmed.

I asked her what she actually needed from me, and I told her that if I wasn't comforting her in the right way, she should tell me how she wanted to be cared for because I'd genuinely try. But she said she doesn't know. She said the only person who can really take care of her is herself, and she doesn't know what kind of comfort she needs. At the same time, she acknowledged that she knows I care about her through the smaller things I do. I make her food, give her space when she asks for it, take her out, and have serious conversations with her whenever she needs them.

That conversation left me feeling conflicted. If someone feels like they have to fundamentally change themselves just to stay in a relationship with me, I'm scared it will eventually turn into resentment. Lately, I've started wondering if that's already happening.

One incident that sticks with me happened recently. I realized I was about $100 behind on payments for rented furniture in my apartment. It caused some tension between me and my flatmates. Since it was a flat-related issue, I decided to handle it with them directly instead of involving her.

What had happened was that my flatmates had transferred me the rent money, but I genuinely never noticed it had reached my account. I ended up spending it while furnishing my room. Once I realized what had happened, I immediately apologized to my flatmates, covered the Wi-Fi bill for the next two months, and promised to pay back the remaining amount.

She didn't know any of that when she found out. She called me, told me she was disappointed in me, and even called me a scammer. That really hurt. I didn't bring it up immediately, but when I eventually told her that those comments had hurt me, she mostly defended why she'd said them instead of acknowledging how they affected me.

Since then, I've started feeling like she genuinely sees me in a negative light. She often tells me that I keep disappointing her, and over time those words have started to weigh on me.

Then came the conversation about marriage. It became very emotional. She told me again that she isn't going to change her mind about getting married, and I completely respect that. Everyone is entitled to want different things out of life.

What hurt me wasn't that she doesn't want marriage. It was hearing her say that she feels she has to change herself to continue this relationship. What hurt even more was finding out that when she spoke to one of her friends about everything, she described me as being "hard to date."

At this point, I don't really know what to do. I love her deeply, but it feels like we're trying to build a future while wanting fundamentally different lives. On top of that, I can't shake the feeling that she resents me, sees me as someone who constantly disappoints her, and believes being with me requires her to become someone she's not.

I'm left wondering whether we're simply incompatible despite how much we care about each other.