i miss her, and i don't know what to do

about a month ago, i cut contact with a friend i met online. things were great at first, until she joined the military and tried to take her own life. apparently, i was the only one who gave a damn and spent a lot of time with her during that hardship, which ended up making me her favorite person. i'm going to be honest, i loved the attention at first. i have my own abandonment issues i have to work through, so having someone so happy to see me or hear about me genuinely had me geeked.

but then it wasn't fun anymore.

if i talked to other people in front of her, i'd get accused of cheating. in discord servers where she was the moderator, she'd delete my messages so that the other person wouldn't see it. she would show my art to her friends, but when they asked to meet me, she would refuse to because she didn't want me to 'find someone better'. the crazy part? i didn't mind THAT part. i'm an introvert who's social battery is extremely low. i didn't care to meet new people, but my problem began to reside in the fact that i couldn't talk to my current friends without her going off and telling me about how i can "talk to my other bitches". she never called me horrible things, like to hurt myself or insulted my looks to my face, her entire thing was just accusing me of 'talking to my other bitches' accompanied with taking absolutely every free second of my day— and getting upset if i didnt respond in 10 minutes.

despite telling her that i was NOT ready for a relationship MULTIPLE TIMES because of how poorly my last one ended, she constantly pushed and "joked" about how everybody thought we were dating because of how much time we spent together and we "might as well date". it made me so uncomfortable. everything felt too real, too strong, too much. i felt so suffocated, like i couldn't make choices for myself at all. we were supposed to meet up in july, but i cut things off before we did and blocked her everywhere.

then, she tried to kill herself because i left. apparently, she went to the mental hospital after her attempt, and she's currently trying to get therapy for her bpd, and i can't help but to feel like the worst person in the entire world.

despite feeling so suffocated by her, i miss her. i miss the stories we created together, i miss her voice and just everything about her... but i just dont know if it can work out. our mutual friend thinks we can work things out, but i just. dont. know.

i cant hate her entirely. she was the best friend when she wasn't blowing up on me. i understand that she can't control it. but it feels so good not to get yelled at everyday.

but i still miss her, and i don't know if it's the right choice to try and come back now that she's officially getting help for her BPD.