I‘m so overwhelmed. I’ve had an eating disorder for over a year now, and I’m really trying to recover. but my parents are not good people. they just aren’t. they shout and scream at me. when I try to walk away, they come up to my door and still continue to scream. I don’t feel safe around them sometimes. I wish my mom wasn’t an almond mom, she’s a good cook, I know that, and I want to eat her food. but she doesn’t even eat her own damn food that she cooks because of the obscene amount of oil she puts in it for hope that I eat it and gain weight. she makes her own separate meals, her own separate slimy bean soup to substitute for the white rice she won’t touch. she skips meals if she eats a cookie, like she did last night. When she’s in a good mood, she’ll try to come to my room and pretend everything is normal like she didn’t shriek at the top of her lunges and try to knock down my door while I was on the other side sobbing a couple days ago. my dad doesn’t care about anything else except for the amount of food that goes in me. “hey, i think I need to see an eye doctor.” no response. “I’m hungry, let’s go to chipotle!” gets right up. I’m going crazy. i could probably shriek at the top of my lungs and they won’t come to check on me. if i go 3 hours without eating, they’ll knock on my door and scream my name and my mom will start bawl on how I need to go to the hospital and how everything is ruined. I don’t call them mom or dad anymore. they aren’t like I used to remember them. I can’t cook, heat, or even eat around them now. I miss the old times, when I didn’t have this stupid disorder. I WANT TO RECOVER, BUT THEY MAKE IT SO HARD. I’m just tired. I don’t know what to do. I don’t have the energy to cook my own meals anymore. Should I eat what she makes? I don’t know. I just want to freaking live.

I’m so tired, any advice appreciated