Did I run away or was I abandoned?

This group has been a lifesaver. Seeing the breadth of experiences and unique situations that somehow unite us has helped me not feel alone. I’m writing this, I guess, to help someone who is questioning “was it really that bad for me?”

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I initially went NC with my parents (50 & 54) with a clear rule: I (27 F) would be willing to work on repair if parents could commit to at least 3 therapy sessions. We live in a country with affordable, pay-as-you-earn family therapists.

At first, I didn’t want to issue an ultimatum at all. Didn’t want to “abandon” them completely. My mom had flagged therapy needs a few years back. Saying things like “when I get older I’m probably going to lose my mind with everything that happened to me”.

So I figured this would get her to bite. She said she loves me repeatedly, and would do anything to fix it. She deserves to heal. I deserve to have her take care of herself before her care falls on me in her old age one day. Plenty of time to do all this.

Instead - months later - they asked “is this the price for us to prove our love, we’re not in the financial position to seek therapy”. It hit me: they kept me alive, but anything outside of that has ALWAYS been an inconvenience. As much as they feel abandoned - I was abandoned first.

Years of being berated, hit, and told that who I was is fundamentally wrong or evil came flooding back. Years of little me yearning to be seen, held, and loved unconditionally. Begging for help.

Then I look at my life now with my partner, how he and his family each other and love me. LOVE ME! Good mood, bad mood, ugly mood. All of it. They support my dreams and goals. Comfort me when life is absolutely kicking butts. I notice how open and loving I am to them in return.

What am I fighting for?

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In short, I thought maybe it was my job to heal this entire relationship. To fix myself constantly until one day I did something that was worth real love. I thought that by going NC so I could start to heal deeply, I was abandoning my family. I realise now that I wasn’t the one to abandon the relationship first.

Somehow this helped me to stop being the “fixer” and just let me be the child again.

I used to believe that anything could be fixed with enough individual effort. That it was my responsibility to do so. But seeing the relationship for what it is has become freeing instead of painful.

I’m now free to share love where it can breathe and expand.