grief no one lets me have

I miss my body. I miss my breasts, and I miss my ovaries. I miss the parts of myself that were taken away or altered before I fully understood where my life was heading. It is a physical, aching loss that I carry every single day.

What makes it so much heavier is that I’m not even allowed to mourn.

When I try to talk about how much pain I’m in, I get hit from every direction:

The blame: "You chose this, so you have no right to complain." I was a child.

The guilt-tripping: "Talking about this makes things harder for others / harms the community." I want it back.

The harassment: Being told that my pain is inherently political, malicious, or morally wrong. I am hurting.

Since when is grief a moral failing? Since when is missing a part of your own body something you deserve to be harassed for?

I am allowed to grieve my choices. I am allowed to mourn what I lost. People regret medical decisions, life paths, and body modifications all the time in every other context without being treated like a bad person for feeling sad about it. Experiencing regret doesn't make me a traitor, and it doesn't mean I deserve to be blamed or kicked while I'm down. Even from family.

I just miss my body, and I am exhausted by a world that demands I pretend I don't.