Stubborn insomnia? Or am I being kept awake? A bit scared.

I'm sorry. I definitely don't feel like I belong in this sub. And I've avoided even lurking. It's like, if I bring any attention to it.. Idk I feel like I'm going to disappear completely.

But something has been happening to me and for the first time I'm actually scared. I've been dealing with horrid mental health all my life and am generally used to it. Got pretty strong for a year or two. Have a great therapist.

Some of my worst "habits" have returned in the past month. Popped up a bit earlier in the year then went away.

Namely, insomnia. And the problem *isn't* really... insomnia? It's why? Or what happens when I don't go to bed?

I have medicine for it and it isn't working. I mean, I'd have to increase my dose quiet a bit I think. Haven't tried. But I *know* it isn't about tolerance.

The past two weeks I've discovered that if I stay up passed 11, I completely change. I've been calling it "Going Gizmo" to my friends and family.

Which, although I'm being silly about it, I NEVER talk about my mental health like that. I'm warning them. I'm asking for help. But can't.

And I feel like I can't control it. Like, my body is actually incredibly sleepy and exhausted. I feel sick and worn out. But I have such an intense urge to leave the house right now.

I lost an entire week of my memory. I *have* slept the last episode, I think? I mean I had to have. But I have no clue what happened last week. Or the weekend before that.

I'm scared because I want to go to sleep but I can't. I want to stay home but I don't know that I will. I like... *can't* take my medicine. I don't know what's happening to me. For the first time I really don't.

My therapist asked me recently if it seemed like mania. Which offended me a bit. And I don't think it is mania for other reasons.

But.. I mean... Is insomnia part of DID? Feels like a no-brainer but what I mean is.. like I *could* sleep. I'm not allowed to. Does that make sense?

And the Gizmo thing.. it only happens close to 12. I'm not shitting you, it's literally like The Gremlins. I sort of remember what it feels like and some of what I do. But most of the time I just find out later.

I don't know. This is all incredibly new to me. It's 12 rn and it's this incredibly creepy sensation of like.. fighting myself to stay home and post this. I don't want to put the phone down or leave this room because I don't know where I'll go if I do. I don't know what to do and I *would* be upset if I could feel upset. God I don't fucking know please help me