if i die young im gonna go to hell

i’m a teenager and to be honest i feel like if i died today or soon i would probably go to hell because of how much i’ve repeated sex before marriage, parties, being intoxicated everyday for years

i’ve been listening the gospel at work and i’ve cut off some sins that i’ve been able to control like vaping, pxrn, and listening to music that goes against God.

I made a vow to myself to kind of treat people the way I would want to be treated all the time and being more social. I believe in Jesus and his mercy

There’s this girl, and to be honest at the time I was selfish and just wanted sex. I did fall in love with her, and was with her for a year but we aren’t together anymore. Ig i try to “justify” my actions by saying that I really think we would’ve married in the future.
And now we reconciled, i treated her probably the best i could today. Then we ended up making out for like an hour even though I don’t have intentions of getting back with her. I feel guilty for even taking it that far again.

I wish i could look to my brothers for support but today’s age supports a culture of “living it up” and my brothers haven’t been great examples for me, my cousin is also christian but flexes his “body count” and it is seriously so much women i’m concerned for our souls.

I get it that we are young men and trying to grow but i’ve seen so many young men die before they reach whatever their potential was here on earth. I feel like they get stuck in time, and life continues. idk what happens to us. My classmate killed himself last year at 16 and i’m trying to make sense of death at a young age. I can’t be his friend or do anything to change what happened. It pains me. I live in a catholic community and so many people my age are going through complex issues, too much sex and a lack of awareness. how time is just fleeting everyday.

I wake up and try to better myself but I don’t see the point in trying to improve my body anymore. I used to be prideful about myself and how I look but i’m just dust. I understand i’m nothing without God and I don’t even understand exactly what happens after death, it scares me so bad I can’t imagine anything else besides a black black death no escape. I try to think of a heaven but death is so cruel and unforgiving.

i don’t wanna die young like my classmate or all the stories i’ve heard of people trying to enjoy their teenage life and tragedy ensues. I desire to live. I don’t wanna live in sin, but all I want nowadays is to numb the pain with something. In my dreams I desire one day to be a knowledgable old man with kids and a purpose beyond my own, i’m not sure how realistic that is because sin leads to death.. I hope there’s a next world. If not this all just feels like a cruel joke, and it still feels like a joke because all of the forever-young in my life who I may never see again.