What have I done in my past life to deserve this

When I feel even a glimpse of happiness I think of my attractive fantasy persona and then I drag myself back down to reality where I’m actually a vile beast laughing and then everything turns miserable and grey. I’ve tried everything to become at least a little more attractive but at this point, even if I change things about my face I’ll still think I look grotesque. I will hate myself till the day I kick the bucket and there’s nothing I can do about it. Watching my attractive friends enjoy their hobbies or sometimes even hobbies I got them into, the world punches me square in the face and I realize I’ll never look as attractive as them while indulging in the same things.
What’s even more embarrassing is attempting to look decent as an ugly person because everyone can see that you tried but failed horribly and it’s fucking humiliating. It shows the whole world that it truly is over for you